All /co/ Creations and Characters, Third Edition.
Settings and other projects also welcome.
Second edition is still good as of posting this one, but they're saying everything's getting moved to the archives soon.
There's a wiki now for these:
If any character or project is already popular enough (as in art, stories, or in-depth interest) then they'll probably have their own thread, so this one is more for miscellaneous discussion of new or underdeveloped things.
Also of interest
For a lot of the misc. info that hasn't ended up on the wiki yet.
/coc/ t-shirts when?
Bee's Knees, Appladay, and Flying Brick in a three wolf moon style
Comeleon blasting at Ladybug, the lasers doing that Pink Floyd dark side of the moon effect
Justice Coalition on the front, Justice Comrades on the back, JL silhouetted. Both have 'the original J-/co/' under
This new board style is kind of weird.
I did some spring cleaning, split the coc doc in twain. Links to the other pages are at the top of each.
I find it odd we were starting earlier and earlier before, and now we are starting later and later.
Crossovers >>50801 crossovers everywhere.
Supermoms writefag here, I wrote a short little /co/ventures script featuring /co/lette, /co/nnie, and Facepunch. Gonna post it here so it doesn't disappear when the /coc/ thread I posted it in dies.
Makes me think the guy writing the Inva stories might want to do the same.
But 4chan is down as of posting this, so I cannot pass that idea along to him.
If Inva guy ever peruses here, just wanted to say that if his intention was to have a bunch of elves follow her footsteps it might not work. The administrators could spin it as a multimedia bonanza, making movies out of an actress imitating her.
It's like I'm at a camp. I am compulsed to captcha/flush but I can't.
We know it's a set up for a future plot hook, but it doesn't have to be anytime soon.
Now the anon doing the Inva stories has a pretty good span of time to play with before she gets to Neo-Australia and meets up with The Pineapple Cake crew.
Is this the right place?
Hello I am the writer guy who does the Inva stories (plus wrote a lot of shit back in the day for the wiki etc).
Yep, this is the right place.
So we were talking about space peace keepers and how Inva would deal with them right before the thread on /co/ 404'd.
So we were, I imagine. Poor Inva, she's becoming rather notorious already and we haven't even shown her commit a crime yet (unless I missed one in the logs).
Well, her very existance is a crime at this point.
Also, those two proposed villains: a male peace keeper agent, and a female fascist.
Only crimes listed in the logs are minor ones on Neo-Australia. Things like disturbing the peace and obstruction of justice (n the sense of some vigilantism), but the locals didn't really care enough to arrest her.
Things that happen on the human colony world wouldn't transfer over into her space file since the PKs don't give a shit about humans yet.
I'm thinking PK territory would be scattered and not a solid area.
I think a whole team of Azalfi PK agents was suggested, sounded like a plan.
That's cool. I just don't want her to become some sort of super-important figure. Like the whole of Azalfi peace relies on getting her back or some destiny shit like that.
I just think of her as one scoundrel among millions in the galaxy, just one from an unusual race.
Wasn't the original idea of the Peacekeepers that they use the people's own to police them? Similar to the Green Lanterns using locals, only in a more villainous light. It makes sense that there'd be Azalfi members of the force chasing her down in her own local system. And giving them different opinions and politics helps to get rid of the implication that everyone is a robot but Inva. There's different people, but their largely variations on a theme, rather than Inva who makes her own theme.
The PKs are still really poorly defined. I don't think they should borrow too heavily from lantern concepts, but yes, using a species' own was one of their things.
Another was doing mandatory recruitment of a certain percent of each world's population that they are protecting.
But since we haven't actually done anything with them yet, we can still pick and choose which aspects we want to use.
It's like how the spice cultists were being talked about like they were villains, but their actually just hot-blooded chefs. At worst they'd be Gary Oaks.
I like the idea that the PK's are extremely heterogenous, so that different "precincts" are governed by eccentric local PK chiefs who may have very different ideas about how to go about stamping out crime, or even what constitutes a crime. One precinct may have some fat Jabba the Hutt fucker in charge who is basically running it like a protection racket, another may have a super by-the-book Judge Dredd guy who clamps down on passing ships for having a smudgy registration number or a lewd decal on the hull. In others it may be a reasonable guy or girl who is just trying to get by.
That way you can easily also make stories where the stand-up PK from a law-abiding precinct ends up having to go beyond his jurisdiction and work in one that's totally corrupt, and similar.
This also works well with the idea that lots of different species work inside the organziation, though I will caution that some species should probably still be rare if their mentality is rather unlike the organized one the PK's run. Like spice cultists would rarely get involved, or Azalfi.
There has to be something that ties in all the different precincts together though, like some kind of central management.
Maybe there was a Cruixir disaster that spurred the organization into existence some dozens of generations ago and each branch has an agreement about which threats merit the full force of the organization.
They probably have overseers from the main Peacekeeper species, but attitudes to them are probably liable to change depending on the people. The male agent presented would probably be all down for them since he would see the mission and the law being the highest priority, while the female agent would be in it for her own people since fascism is inherently nationalistic.
So, more like what I understand the world government in One Piece is?
If we ever get to the point of making a crisis we could have the peacekeepers come to Earth, 'recruiting' for this sector of space and to weaken the government the Teuthoids pretty much run. But that's me thinking looong term.
I don't think that it's a species that oversees the organization.
More like an alliance, but an alliance between who should be left ambiguous.
The way I'm doing it, the Teuthoids aren't even in any parts of space where the PKs exist, they're in different spiral arms and there is very little talk between arms going on since there's a very big, mostly empty, distance between them that few ever bother venturing through.
There was some interaction a long, LONG time ago, but nothing happened outside of some races becoming aware of each other.
I have a plan near the end of the Teuthoid arc to change up the dynamics through trade routes, but I'm not going to go into detail since posting the plot outlines when it's not a comic usually kills any potential interest.
I would picture the PK's as the american police as portrayed in Hollywood movies. There is a central agency, a board somewhere distant that ostensibly sets policy and oversees. There are internal inspections and reports. But within the PK space there are THOUSANDS of precincts, and this is way way beyond what any kind of top-down control can handle. As such each PK "chief" (whatever we want to title them) has a very large say on jurisdiction, and only has to really worry about extremely infrequent inspection tours. They may not even come once in any PK officer's career! Whether the central PK agency is benevolent, indifferent or malevolent I would leave up to interpretation, but I have no plans in involving it anywhere. It exists, somewhere very far away.
I would not separate the established races way too far, personally, just for the simple reason that part of the charm of a space opera type setting (which this certainly is, much more than hard SF or anything) is to have the different species interact. Territories separated, sure, but not too distant. Perhaps inside the same quarter of the galaxy, or something, with possible "outsider" races arriving from beyond.
Side note: I have a very concrete short story in the works about the Vreen, which I previously hinted at in the third Inva story. There's a plan there, I promise, it's just that I don't want to blow it all in a text piece first.
Finally, I hope there's no danger that I'm killing the character of Inva by writing about her. If any of you feel that way, especially Log-anon, then i will immediately drop the writing, and you can of course consider everything I've done non-canonical anyway.
Trying to fit everything together while leaving plenty of room for more:
The old Azalfi empire on the Perseus arm, their greatest extent being around 15,000ly across.
Besides the core worlds, it's now a mishmash of feudal Ssura and PK. Pacifying Ssura makes slow expansion.
The Vreen... presence on the outer arm. Maybe they traveled slowly before Azalfi made hyperdrives known.
Teuthoid gov on the Sagittarius arm, resource oriented so every system is incorporated, so slow expansion.
Teuthoid gov and PK are starting to claim opposite ends of our Orion spur.
Not that I don't mind, but where are the other /coc/ people? Nobody wants to talk about lewdibutt or Shark Lass or /co/ntainment here?
>I would not separate the established races way too far
See, I'm playing this as "the galaxy is big, really big, much bigger than most people even think the universe is and that means the the universe is just that much more incomprehensibly big".
The Teuthoids are in a different spiral arm, it's like the Brits and the Chinese back in the day sort of thing. The races know there are other races really far away, but don't make much effort to interact unless it is convenient.
Convince can be dammed for all Cookie cares, he went out into space to see things no human has ever seen before, and then to see things that haven't been seen before by whatever new things he encounters.
>I hope there's no danger that I'm killing the character of Inva by writing about her.
There is absolutely no danger of that happening, if anything your stories are breathing life into her.
I'm the one writing the logs, I consider all the Inva stories to be canon and draw from them while writing her in the logs.
Before you started writing for Inva the only thing I had planned for her before joining the crew of the Pineapple Cake was that she'd been on Neo-Australia for some undetermined amount of time, working for the same delivery company that Desert Buckler works for, escorting/protecting armored road trains from the radiation filled coastal farmlands to the safe inlands.
She was going to be unaffected by whatever strange radiation causes 10% of humans exposed to it to mutate a little.
No one is using the new /coc/ board yet aside from us and the supermoms crowd.
Until the old boards get moved to archive, a lot of people will stick to their "/coc/ is inactive and dead, so I don't want to post there because it's inactive and dead" mentality.
Ladybug could have her own thread on here, issue 3 of the Lovely Ladybug came out fairly recently (when I typed these words), so there would be something to talk about in it.
The General Freedom comic and other Justice Coalition series would also get discussed there.
Shark Lass hasn't had much activity lately, don't know when Mandingo is going to get back to that.
And back to /co/smic stuff
I'd rather have it that the Teuthoids are still working on claiming all of their arm, because even one arm is unimaginably huge.
I'm making it one of my goals to make sure we never downplay just how fucking big the galaxy is.
It's so big that no race has ever seriously attempted to get to the nearest other galaxy because they've never been able to fully explore this one.
I was think that empires/coalitions etc would expand in a sphere, not linear. If they're close to the spurn it wouldn't make sense to -not- venture to it. The fact that we humans even know they exist would mean they are near.
Plus, we're kind of a bridge. Hold the bridge, stem the army onthe other side. We might be a no-mans land between superpowers.
Anyways, back to Destiny stream and hopefully motivation.
To me, it'd make more sense to expand to where there are more resources.
The space between arms is relatively empty compared to the space inside of the arms, so it makes sense to me to expand along the arm.
Plus inside the arm is fuck huge. You could expand in a sphere for 1,000 light years in all directions and still never leave the arm.
I think what /co/llator means is that territories are three-dimensional. You spread "up" and "down" from the galactic plane as well as out in the spiral arm. Thus territories are big spheres, or blobs. I tried making a map to illustrate the Azalfi expansion and contraction of territory but I haven't figured out how to do it.
I think the Ssura are pretty much all over since they tend to go nomadic and wander around looking for new technology to piler. They thus pop off little colonies everywhere. I have this idea that maybe each little Ssura fleet is like a pride of predators. There's an alpha couple who rule it, and as long as they are the strongest and canniest they stay in control, and if the population on the Ssura ships gets too big they drop some off at the nearest M-class planet, and so leave a trail of them in their wake. Eventually the alpha couple get too old and weak, or just get conspired against and get defeated and dropped off themselves. Or just killed.
The basic idea is that Ssura were uplifted at a point when they weren't ready for it, and thus are still very animalistic for a spacefaring species.
I'm pretty okay with the american-chinese simile, too.
I'll get to some more traditional planetary adventures for Inva eventually. I have a few ideas floating around at the moment. First off I want to rewrite the first chapter from scratch. Then possibly expand Iro's story into a full story of its own.
I was going through some pics I had saved, saw this one and thought of your post.
I'm both thrilled and saddened when the thread is this active. Meta discussion followed by brainstorming jailbait, the character. Could be worse I'll admit. Maybe next week the comic anons will be back.
Comics take time to make.
Right now the ones in progress are
-Bees Knees (or something like a comic I think)
And then there's the guy making something with Lovely Ladybug, Mighty Mantis, Bees Knees, and Alpha from the /co/ntainment B.U.G. thing.
You can't expect there to be a constant stream of updates with comics.
Duet comic will be done when it's done. We worked out the script nice and fast, but it takes a while to get the pages done.
Yeah. We worked out the script and layout for the Duet comic pretty quickly, but actually getting the pencils done takes a while. I'm really keen to see the later pages myself, though, because of the cameo stuff that ties it into the /coc/ verse
And now there's a boob chart for some of the project stars.
I read the comments on the Inva story, thanks. Looks like I have got quite a lot to do when I get back to that.
I don't really feel I'm contributing much to the /co/ threads.
That's some vicious slander your brain just thought up.
Your one of the guys I look forward to every thread.
No one really feels like they're contributing much until there's some kind of art being made based on something they've been involved with in those threads.
At least that's what I've noticed.
It's a little of that. Mostly that only you guys really even read texts and comment.
But I also got some bad reviews from friends on that story, who thought it was way too bloated with exposition.
And still no good Inva pic out there, yeah.
Sorry, don't mean to be a whiner.
The whole /co/smic thing is turning out to be sort of a beta test for written stuff in /coc/.
I don't think that many people are reading the logs, but it's not like I'm going to stop doing them because of it.
The main thing I've gotten out of /coc/ are that ideas take a while to catch on, and I mean really catch on. Like 6 months to a year after initial chatter is usually when an idea will start to go somewhere if it's going to go somewhere.
If you still feel selfconscious about it, try visiting one of the threads where Batman yells at you to work on your writing, or one of /tg/'s writefag threads.
I'm not really worried about writing in general, man. I'm just worried about MY writing.
Maybe I'll try and write one of the other two stories I have thought out so far and leave the (heavy) revision of the origin story for another day.
Oh and by the way, I found the Teuthoid-anon.
What's the Teuthoid-anon been up to?
Also, I think I need to reevaluate what I said earlier.
It's not until someone is making porn of something that you're working on, that's when you know there's lasting interest.
I am both dreading and anticipating the day we see Inva porn, although honestly Iro porn would be more amusing to me.
I found Teuthoid-anon in /tg/ of all places, discussing alien race design. He posted the teuthoid design sheet, which is how I spotted him from the catalog. I told him we'd love to have him back in the threads so he can answer questions for us. Dunno if he will, but he did acknowledge the post.
I was thinking about making some of the cast a bit more unique, and what if the female Peacekeeper captain is crippled. Not to a wheelchair-bound degree, but she needs a cane to walk?
We're in space, give her a mini leg mounted anti-gravity thing or a mini jetpack on her leg.
I'm pretty well aware of how bland and monotone the space logs I've been witting are.
Honesty I was hoping that other people would've joined in on it like what happened with the Lantern Logs, but that'll probably never happen since the presentation is too different, i.e. writing the after thoughts of characters from a show as if they were going crazy compared to making up completely new content in a format where everything is in past tense.
I'm not going to stop doing them, but I would like to get better at it or at least make them more interesting, somehow. I'm not sure how to do that though since I mainly started writing them just to keep momentum going with the /co/smic /co/verse concept rather than letting it fizzle out, I guess I succeeded in that regard at lest.
Current detours I'm thinking about, but haven't developed any:
-Aa planet where it's so hot, rocks evaporate during the day and rain down during the night.
-Something to do with a nitrogen geyser
-A planet with a sea of methane and some weird plants growing at the bottom
-An alcohol nebula snared in a young, piss drunk star's gravity
Dunno, you got my input at end of last thread.
Mapped out Appladay's first year with the wiki info. That's about three fourths of the Orchard of Evil's characters.
Second half of Azalfi mythology carved out, six visible planets/toids. Azal Prime being the innermost.
Storm raging, internet flickering on and off. Fuck.
Last thread was pretty good, lots of discussion going lots of different ways. Love how Erin is getting built up every time.
Strange, can't post any pics from phone. Asks to turn on camera or sound recording instead of gallery.
The current last thread 404'd before I could get back to it. It seems from 3am - 10am is an almost total dead time for them.
I was finally making some headway on The Pineapple Cake's interior.
Maybe we should move them to Wednesdays? Monday morning seems to be when 10-tan is strongest.
And I might as well post this too since I still am open to feedback, even though it's pretty crude .
The counter proposal.
Step it up senpai
I didn't want to post a bunch of WIPs in the thread since it's gonna be here for a few... years.
Right now I'm just hoping to get the exterior look more polished.
Well if nobody else is going to use this board/thread, someone should. This isn't intended as an archive.
A /tg/ thread inspired me, think I'll do some MYTHIC era story stuff. Does the fae stuff have an up to date infodump? Heard there was a pastebin, but that was months ago
I loathe dice, but I love their world building. I love their mountains of ideas, but hate its transience.
The fae stuff is mostly collected in the Hummingbird story.
Most of the setting info has been condensed on a wiki page
Though it's starting to become out of date since more stuff has developed with the fae and Otherworld since then, like the ocean fae, the harpies, and whatever other races are in that pocket dimension.
Once again, time for panic modo
Well, fortunately I had already saved all the threads linked to on the wiki back during the April Fools nonsense. All this means is that all future /coc/ threads on /co/ will need to be saved before they 404 if no one steps up and takes foolz off the current owners hands.
If someone else would feel so inclined, then they could go through foolz saving every single /coc/ thread that has been archived there.
I think someone did that already, but I'd rather have confirmation than just assume they did.
We'll just have to create a mediafire or mega archive of zipped threads. Nothing new for me, I've been doing that for years now with other threads... which is kind of sad I guess.
I suspect there are only one or two people here, but is this a good 'guide' to creating a character?
I feel like explicitly stating the race of a character has just as much potential to derail a thread then not specifying.
As soon as that word gets brought up, everyone starts flinging shit at the fan because of the year of problems it caused the threads.
Also, what do you think about the Q&A on the front page of the wiki?
IMO, which I don't hold highly, the frontpage of the wiki should look like a frontpage or an index. Right now it's hard to find out what you don't know about already. Possibly divide into categories like: completely OC, mash ups, /co/razy antics. i.e. /co/verse, trinity and Cynthia von Doom, grieve-tan and M&M Show.
As for the Q&A itself, a bit wordy for the frontpage. Conduct is a bit silly of a thing to put there considering the userbase, and it made me think 'the hulks weight in bees' would be on the wiki considering what it says is OC.
Once again I consider my opinion shit, others would likely not care about half of this stuff.
See, I have no idea how to do anything fancy with the wiki. I had to look at /tg/'s wiki just to figure out how to do that thing at the top with the board blue.
The conduct thing came about because of edit wars, the one guy who tried deleting almost everything back in 2013, and the other guy who started shit over "copyrights".
Hulk's Weight in Bees actually could be on the wiki as a meme, but I tend to shy away from adding meme articles since there's a lot of stigma over memes all across 4chan. Spreadsheet Anon's intention for the wiki was for it to be for anything /co/ made up, but most people seem to think it is /co/verse exclusive; I'll add things that aren't /co/verse, but only if I'm actually aware of them.
I'm open to any suggestions about the Q&A, anything that needs to be added or trimmed, things that need better clarification, etc.
Didn't know about the edit wars.
Hulk's weight in bees is more of a though exercise, I see it cited from time to time like Schrodinger's cat.
I see the /co/verse weight as a result of the nature of it. Where other things come and go, /coc/ tries to make an expanding cast. Most banter on /co/ is about existing properties or Donut Steel webcomics.
Could make a small article for hypercrisis, link it to http://hypercrisis.wikia.com/wiki/The_Hypercrisis_Wiki or the doc for it.
I just feel the Q&A isn't the best way to describe it all, at least on the front page.
My coffee high is running out.
Refinder senpai noticed my Webb reboot.
I noticed the Webb reboot when it was first posted, then I forgot about it when the thread 404'd, then I remembered it when I head foolz might be going away.
There's probably some Heartbreaker reboot stuff that still needs to be tracked down as well.
Let's all try to avoid another total archive loss like what happened in 2010.
Well that was a rather sudden 404. It usually takes longer than just an hour and a half for a thread to 404 on /co/.
-There was some more talk about the fishing trip to the Titian-like moon. Along with a time loop.
-A mini comic featuring /co/lette, Samefag, Manny Quinn, and Nicky Two-Vests got finished.
-An action sequence in the form of text about Fistress fighting the Full Body Beat Down merc. group.
-A lot of idle chatter about Britainment, Erin, Fantomas and the dimension hopping /co/axials, along with other misc. projects like a toon villain for Carnevalor.
And Lovely Ladybug issue 0 is out.
All of the boards have been sped up a little for some reason. Spooky stuff.
-/d/ oc thread, go get you're /d/icking and fisting while it lasts.
-That was a fakeout loop. It was dimensional sliding.
Also, MULTIVERSITY is out. It's relevant.
/g/ seems to have actually slowed down, at least compared to the pace I'm used to from it. Not entirely relevant since it's not much of a board for character making. Cyberpunk and Retrocomputing could be an interesting basis for a character, though.
Alright, Inva finally has a page on the wiki. I've been trying to get some shit together other the past few days.
Now, I'd like to add a story page on the wiki and put this
on it, but I heard the story might still be going through revisions and wanted to ask about it first since I know the Inva writer anon will probably see it here eventually.
Anyone have any ideas for a graphic wordmark (it'd have to be 260 x 65 pixels) and a favicon (16 x 16 pixels) for the wiki?
Every letter a different style, representing the different eras and genres.
Favicon of a lesbian symbol or something because that's the main discussion for the past year.
No really an itsy bitsy Cove, or a comic book/graphic novel.
Yeah, the floating city is what I was thinking of using as the favicon, I just need to pick which version to use.
Hmm... thread on /co/ died in the 6am - noon hours, huh? If only there was a place to continue dicussion throughout the week until it's time for the next thread to be made. Oh, wait...
So someone was asking
>What is conrad's office like? Is it in a run down building or some sort of respectable office complex? Is it lived-in or brand new? Some sort of cluttered? What's the decor like?
I think his office would have the essential office stuff. The entrance connected to at least a medium sized room with a desk in the middle of it, a swivel chair that's only able to swivel one way without getting stuck, a map posted on the wall with pins stuck in it and notes that no sane person would probably understand, a book shelf stacks of comics on it and maybe some books on the upper shelves, a window with blinds that has a view of the street. Maybe some framed newspaper clippings up on the walls of successes he's had, maybe some failures as well to serve as reminders.
There should be a connecting door to an apartment behind the office with more stacks of comics blocking view from another, much bigger map with even more notes and lines connecting things on it. There should also be a computer in this room, a decent one, not a 10 years old one, but one that's not brand new either.
The office could be in the Noir District of /co/ve to give it that detective feel, or it could be in the Modern Day District if he's working for /co/ & Friends Insurance.
Last thread did go places with Britainment's cast.
Yeah, and Anastasia also ended up joining them.
She's tried doing the superhero thing, but that didn't work, now she's doing the government agent thing.
Also seemingly de-aged a bit, as she was (as the idea said) to take on a role that's almost sisterly with Strummer.
As well as her trying to be "rebellious" by dying her hair (but nothing stronger than that; it would be irresponsible to go too far), only to fuck it up and end up looking really silly and everyone (even Marion, and the suit of armor without a head) found it funny. I think the comparisons were "color of a highlighter pen" and "treefrog".
>Keep that shit in the normal /co/ threads.
I don't think you should discount the possibility for a homsexual romance just because you don't like it.
And I don't think you should insert your fetish into every single idea.
This is the projects board.
Everyone inserts their fetish into everything here, sans the Wakfu threads.
Looks like the thread died in the night again. 3am to daylight hours seems to be the dead zone for them.
Well hopefully the topic of bio-robot masked wrestlers will come up again next thread.
>Tats almost always drawn with camera
>No one's done a "Where's you camera? Aren't you--aren't you gonna take some pictures?" "Pictures of what?" comic yet
Poor show, everyone.
If this is a reference, I don't get it.
Threads keep dying in the night before more new stuff can get posted in them.
There's a lot of stuff happening in the /coc/ threads lately, namely the Cosmic Crusaders comic.
But also more of the Lovely Ladybug comic and, much more recently, the Golden Girl project.
Guess that's gonna be slow going until November.
And lately the /coc/ threads on 4chan /co/ haven't been able to make it past Sunday night.
>410 - RIP ARCHIVE.MOE
>Yes. I am now making this official: effective immediately we are shutting down
archive.moe. I have encountered numerous mistakes and issues which makes me
believe that I am no longer suitable to host the archives. The most recent
problem being a hardware failure resulting in the lost of our database and some
backups. I will be providing links to the latest working database backup we
have available, which is dated 2015-06, over the next few days. Regrettably
this means that 4 months of textual data has been lost. This data loss affects
the database only. I will also be transferring any projects I've provided
hosting for to more suitable individuals.
>The dump will be available at the following address: https://archive.moe/dump/
If anyone has an archive of the /coc/ threads, would you mind sharing it?
Now that plus4chan has switched from .org to .net, how do I access the old archived boards?
I need to update the wiki with links that work and swapping out .org for .net doesn't work for the links to the threads on the old boards.
/co/ had a thread right this second where people drifted to talking about /co/lette and her conception, which led to a repeat.
This qt is the result-
Comprised of details mainly taken from XJ-9, Nicole, Peridot, Pacifica.
She's some sort of cyborg with the robot arms instead of simply wearing gauntlets like /co/lette
A surprising amount of different artists popped into the thread to give the design a go.
/co/leen seems to be the name most used for her so far.
So a /co/ creation has been basically completed after only two threads huh?
She even comes with a supporting character.
Of course now that they are gonna show up in /coc/ threads there's no doubt more that can be added to their concept.
Her origin story has not been directly established beyond her being a catgirl with transforming cyberarms and wearing jetboots.
The character herself is somewhat sassy, energetic and EXTREMELY self-confident to the point it sabotages her activities such as crimefighting because she goes TOO HARD and TOO FAST at the problem she faces. As a side-effect to such self-confidence she is naturally competitive.
Dunno about the short one, only that she's a human mad-scientist with a cat-obsession that hangs around the frankenwaifu, acting as a humorous amplifier to whatever scene she's taking part in.
Also the scientist is a lewdbutt.
The catgirl team has been getting quite alot of attention on this week's /coc/ thread over on /co/
Well that's just embarrassing.
The thread died on Saturday.
I can't leave the thread alone for one afternoon without it up and dying.
I'm conflicted if I should even try again or just wait until next weekend.
Well that's disappointing.
Another thread that unceremoniously ended on Sunday.
I can't leave it alone for even an hour and a half without it dying on me.
We were even finally discussing what /co/lette's powers actually do and what their limits are.
Stop bumping the thread once the weekend is over - is WEEKEND /co/ creation thread. we look pathetic...
They're only called "weekend" because they get made on Saturday, not because they're supposed to die as soon as midnight on Sunday rolls around.
Typically they last until Tuesday.
/co/head and /v/man based on the new Cupman game.
Everyone is having fun and making fun things so I'm gonna post some pic.
Are there going to be any teen heroes? Kinda want to see something for the Golden Girl cast. Maybe a Native American girl or boy, or some European characters
Seasons Girls are teens and set in the UK.
Not related to Golden Girl though.
I think Golden Girl is more alive on /aco/ than /co/
Who would have thought?
Define "alive" because all /aco/ does is draw porn and get into endless arguments. /co/ keeps coming up with scripts and plots.
/aco/ also ignores her characterization completely.
>/co/ keeps coming up with scripts and plots.
I admit I haven't frequented /co/ in a few years, but I never really saw her being posted at all, let alone plots and scripts being created. I haven't seen a new Golden Girl comic for much to long to call her alive.
You're right in that it's a bit silly to call porn threads of her being alive, but that's what I expect when their single outstanding dimension as a character is having abnormally large breasts.
As a matter of fact, the most recent non-porn comic I saw of her was made by /aco/.
Golden Girl hasn't even existed for a few years yet.
Last non-porn comic I saw of her came from /co/.
In the past 3 weeks the /coc/ threads have been pretty much dominated by GG by way of working on scripts. The Sorority of Sentinels, Silver Queen's Sensational Origin, BIGRAC super computer, and as of posting this not 24 hours ago GG's first encounter with Jade Empress.
Over two and a half years, that's almost a few.
Anyway, I'm happy to see that I'm mistaken. Thanks for updating me on GG.
I have been busy coming up with scripts to introduce the characters properly and also establish the leading ladies' backstories properly.
One of the things I noticed after sitting back and looking at all the GG stuff as a whole, is that a lot of the stuff is not presented in a way that is accessible to the reader. There's all this "lore" (fluff), but it isn't arranged in such a way that lends itself to a story, it's just paragraphs and character summaries on the wiki.
So now I've been taking that stuff and doing my best to convert them into scripts. If nothing else, that will at least help the fluff get integrated better into the whole of the GG project.
Of course I'm not really expecting any of them to ever be drawn, I know better than that looking at both BreastQuest and Supermoms.
A day ago as of posting this, I posted a bunch of scripts in the current /aco/ thread just to see how they'd react to what GG's actual character is. It's amazing how far out of touch they are, I thought for sure more of them had read the wiki or the pastebin given how often those links are posted over there.
Once I get some feedback on the way I've condensed GG's origin, then I'll get back to Jade Empress' script. From there, the Iron Girl saga looks very incomplete to me, so that also need work. The basic ideas are there, but they're just not fully formed yet. Once all the fluff and necessary character introductions are out of the way, hopefully we can get back to the root of GG by telling jokes and using more physical humor.
One thing I am concerned about is there being too much GG discussion in the /coc/ threads. Too much of any one subject tends to poison the well after a while, but this is what everyone else is talking about lately and my writing juices are finally working for me on GG.
Aside from GG, there are other things in /coc/ I want to discuss, but there just aren't any openings or interest.
Like, I want to work on a story with Harpoonist as the main character having just become a full fledged hero in his own right during the 1980s after Spearhead retires.
Harpoonist would be investigating Carver Medical, an institution that popped up seemingly over night and has technology way ahead of what should be possible for them. The more he looks into it, the shadier they seem until he uncovers that one half of the scientists running the show is the daughter of Professor Manticore, the evil mad scientist lady who experimented on Harpoonist when he was a child!
And it'd go into him accepting that people are not defined by their lineage (despite Dr. Carver using her mother's research journal) and that she's doing more good for the world than any super has by just stopping random criminals (short of actually saving the world anyway, like from a meteroite).
That's the kind of story I'd like to work on eventually anyway.
ah, /toy/ from 2007-10, how fun that place was.
I heard from Anon that mods just censored heaps and it became less great.
That sounds par for the course on 4chan. Every board I've been to has huge censoring problems. The janitors are just rampant.
Hagfish drew Colette a few weeks back.
I am extremely disappointed that most recent thread died on Sunday morning because of the incessant MCU spam flooding /co/.
The editor for /co/le had just gotten back too.
Perhaps it would be wise to start linking into this thread, so people can use it whenever /co/ is being unusable. Plus4chan exists for that very reason to begin with.
True, it would probably be smart to direct the /co/le editor to here so shit can start getting underway again even if the threads refuse to cooperate.
Might have to make a thread just for that though, usually the editing process is full of lengthy back-and-forth discussions. I'll still have to wait until next weekend to float the idea either way.
Might be related to this thread, but the 4chan house board is getting spammed to death slowly: http://dis.4chanhouse.org/comic/
It might be time to archive whatever we can from it. They still have that old /Co/lette comic by Endpiece in there somewhere.
I don't like his OC version of the /co/lette OC, the blatant cyborg thing thrown in is a bit much.
Yeah, it feels like he has the same robot waifu fetish as Aaron Diaz.
Psu is really weird.
Could have done without you sharing their weirdness
Highschool Marley was so much cuter
Petite girls are always cute, regardless of age.
When will that summer special be finished?
Oh, is this that +4chin someone mentioned last thread?
That it is. Welcome.
While not currently as active as it used to be I hope you enjoy your stay.
I'm around. It's not really in my routine to check here super frequently though.
What sections are on your mind?
Wanna try and rewrite the ending blurb of the show?
Sure, what do you have in mind?
Are we changing the whole thing from the ground up? Or editing what's already there?
If we're changing the whole thing then we should decide on what sort of show it is (talk show, variety show, game show, etc.) and then work from there.
I would say ground up, as I'm not sure the genre you started with. If you wanted the champions added in, a reality show or a sitcom ala the old Justice Friends episodes were my initial ideas. If you have other ideas for different genres, I'd love to hear 'em.
OK then, I'm thinking faux reality show. Start with either the camera crew sneaking into /co/le's bedroom (super meta reality 4th wall breaking show) or /co/le gets blown out of bed "That's not my usual alarm!" by some kind of super happenings (more classic sitcom reality show). First gag of the day has to be /co/le trying to get his pants on too fast to keep the fan service quota up there. Everyone loves seeing a strong back and well toned ass.
Prop the other champion stand-in actors as having form a league of something, not sure if they would be openly evil or just crazy.
That's the start of the idea I'm having for just rewriting it from the ground up.
What do you mean by 4th Wall breaking Show? The other idea sounds fine, but I'd like to know the other option before going with it.
The champions are a league? Like, they're trying to recruit him?
Like the sort of show where the camera crew are as much characters as those who are being filmed. Imagine if there was a film crew that just followed someone around all the time and recording all the things that happened. The crew is there and interacts with the characters, but they still play no role in the story. Unless you get something like a villain who kidnaps the narrator and the focus is on the villain claiming that by having the narrator, the heroes will never interfere with his plots because they will have no focus in the story, until the heroes come to rescue the narrator because they were wondering why the story hadn't started yet.
Actually, I think I want to save that one for a "Limited Run" story later on.
So let's have this one as like a "day in the life of" kind of show. /co/le comes out of his house to see what's going on and finds one of the champions announcing his challenge, then he's joined by others.
"You may have beaten us all individually before, but now we are united in defeating you!" that sort of situation.
A commercial break with them still advertising things could still work to reinforce that this is all a new show and not just more of the same.
Okay, I can dig it. So the Scene opens with /Co/le arising from bed, Snatching his costume, struggling to put said costume on, only to hear his name called from outside!
"/Co/le! Come out and face us!"
Rushing out of his suburban home, he looks up to see-
/Co/le: "You three! Again?"
The Three champions! Looming over him!
That sounding good so far? Gonna see if there's names to the guys before going on.
The scene as I imagine it opens with /co/le asleep in bed. There's a BOOM and the room shakes, but /co/le does not wake up, then there's another BOOM and /co/le falls out of bed head first, ass up. "That's not my usual alarm."
Out on his lawn the drums champion, Thunder Clap, creating shock-waves. /co/le is struggling to get his super suit on as each shock-wave shakes the whole house.
I'll try t write something out properly tomorrow after I'm done with everything that needs doing.
Things will start getting very busy for me starting on the 20th though. Not sure if I'll have time after then until after New Years.
No biggie, I'ts getting late on my end anyway, so this'll be my last post for today. I can probably swing by a bit earlier tomorrow, though.
So no grand reveal, just want the guy dead now kind of thing? Ok. And you said they have more in their ranks?
Not more in their ranks, just them teaming up. /co/le never fought them all at the same time (the cloth dummies don't count as them).
And it doesn't need to be a complete scene, it cuts to commercial break before the real action begins because that's what always happens.
Yeah, okay. So /Co/le gets his costume on, ready to fight Thunder Clap.
"Ready for another round, eh Th-?"
Only for his word to be cut off by his walkway to fold underneath him, the Folding champ is there, too!
"Not just Thunder Clap!"
/Co/le Forces himself up, only to be bombarded by the neighborhood newspapers, cutting from all sides from dive bombing airplanes!
"We've joined forces to CRUSH YOU!"
Something more like that?
The TV blips on and we see a man sleeping peacefully in bed, a loud BOOM causes the bed and everything else in the room to lift off of the floor, but the man stays asleep. A second BOOM and the man falls half out of bed with his head on the floor, the covers now off of him with a close up of his exposed shocked face, "That's not my usual alarm." he grumbles groggily. It's /co/le, the hero of our story.
A man is heard shouting from outside his house "/co/le! You get out here and face me!"
/co/le is hoping on one leg trying to get his costume on, struggling not to trip because of the shock-waves shaking his house.
"Yeah, I hear you!"
/co/le darts out of his house and exclaims "So you're back fro another round, Thunder Clap?!"
"That's right!" the drum themed foe exclaims. "Only this time-" /co/le finds himself being flipped on his back as his sidewalk is pulled out from under him as if it were a carpet "-I didn't come alone!"
The Folding Champion makes his entrance, having turned /co/le's front yard into a fluttering mess.
"2 vs 1, huh?"
"Not so fast!" Exclaims yet another man riding on a paper bird, it's the paper champ, only he looks much buffer than before.
"3 vs 1?"
The Paper Champion reveals he has an entire flock of origami birds.
Thunder Clap continues "You may have beaten us individually in the past, but now we've teamed up to take you down!"
/co/le is back on his feet and dusted himself off "Not good odds."
"You hear that, he's scared!"
/co/le takes off like a bullet and he's all up in Thunder Clap's personal space with his fist on a collision course shouting "You should've brought even more!"
And now a world from our sponsors!
Now, do we want to do the commercials?
Yeah, that's good.
I'd say no on the commercials, unless you can get them to kinda fit with the people watching the TV.
I got busy doing other things and forgot to check here again.
So just that? Now we start the re-writes for other parts? I'd still like to figure out at what point the story will feel finished enough to be considered "done". I know it's not there yet, but I'd like to be able to recognize when it is there.
And I was dragged to something yesterday.
If you have anything you wanna tackle first I'm will in to look there, first. I think some smaller things might help. Like, aside from Thunder Clap, do the other champs have a name? Do they need one?
>I'd still like to figure out at what point the story will feel finished enough to be considered "done".
Man, I can really only say "once the story hits the beats we want, and the script is edited so randos can read and not find some glaring holes.
The only one of the champions who was playing the cape game (aside from /co/le, but he was doing that before the champion thing) was the drums champ, so he has a hero name, the others only had super suits to give them power to fight /co/le.
So they wouldn't have cape names, they'd just be whatever their names are. I suppose we do need to come up with names for all of the characters.
The Paper Champ feels like a Pierre to me.
Not sure what sort of name the folding camp would have since he's a big shot movie star.
Things will become inescapably busy for me starting tomorrow.
unrelated to /co/le but Jetpack Viking was also established as a Champion, in that his powers come from being the chosen avatar / champion of a deity. In his case, it is the north winds (Boreas), and his jetpack has had man users and appeared in many forms over history (wright brothers, Leonardo, Icarus, etc).
Okay, so we wanna make this more readable, And you'd prefer a screenplay structure. I'm gonna go through issue 1 and see if we can set up a more structured way of going about it. And as a quick question, You wanting narration boxes? Or, like, a narrator?
Is a narrator necessary? Most of the text are descriptions of the actions taking place already.
I suppose not, there's just some flavor text that seemed important, idk.
Sorry about ghosting, back for now.
No worries. I'm still recovering from this nasty cold, so I'm not really at 100% yet.
Sounds like that Batman villain, the Carpenter (her armament was several Power Tools). Even Batmans response was "seriously?". Some time later she fixed up Catwomans house.
>I'm thinking "gremlin", but instead of destroying machines, she creates overly complicated vehicles.
>Just like the term, she's british, a tiny british woman.
Okay,it' the other Cole guy, Back again. Had to get acclimated to my new schedule. Might not give me more time, but it'll be more frequent times to drop by.
I was thinking starting to tackle issue 1 to try and start. Unless you wanna start at the very top.
Start wherever you want.
I'm finally over that cold, but I'm still finding I need to work myself up to do anything now.
Give me what you find that needs fixing/re-writting and I'll work on getting into the right head space to do it.
Alright, gonna go throuh from the top, then. will update tomorrow with findings.
Apparently I am banned from all boards until the 2nd of February.
Someone else will need to make the thread on Saturday.
I hope it wasn't for keeping the OC tradition alive.
No, it's because I made the mistake of trying to actually discuss manga on /a/ instead of taking the bait and arguing about inane shit like everyone else does on that board these days.
Anyway, to whoever does end up making the thread on Saturday, try to start it with any new pics the last thread provided you with, and if there were no new pics, then just use a classic group pic. The OP is just copypaste these days, as well as the subject.
Sorry for the delay, family form out of town decided to drop by.
So Here's something along the lines of how we can try to streamline the writing. note, it's only the descriptive side of this "screenplay", but something like
[Scene: Cloud Kingdom]
We see a Kingdom built on top of clouds, which comes from a long dead pantheon. With no one left to worship them, the gods have taken to a life of lazing around, mingling with one another, and seem to enjoy the the little power they siphon from tangential worship.
But a certain goddess, sitting alone at the wine fountain, finds herself bored. She looks very different from her peers, being extraordinarily plain, leaving her out of the more intimate festivities, and is lonely on top of bored.
High in the sky there is a kingdom built upon the clouds where an old nameless forgotten pantheon has made their home. While the bulk of its residents are content with lazing about, enjoying what little power they can siphon from the myths mortals still recite, there was one goddess who was terribly bored and lonely. As she sat by herself beside the wine fountain her godly peers paid her no mind nor heed, even during their mirth and intimate festivities, for she was terribly plain looking for a goddess.
Any better than the current first paragraph?
I'd get rid of the nameless, forgotten gets the point across. and get rid of either mind or heed, they both mean similar things, you don't need to double up on it. Other than that it's fine. I had some more family come in today, so I couldn't do much, but I'm planning on adding more dialogue to this issue, on top of the streamlining.
I thought "mind" meant attention and "heed" meant they don't care even when they do hear her. As in they don't notice her and even when she tries to make herself heard they don't care. It's a difference between being passively there and actively seeking some sort of recognition.
Oh good, so I didn't just missed a thread.
Nice pic, magi.
Since no one else stepped up, I've made the thread a day late now that my bullshit ban is over.
Alright, I have a google doc for the /co/le story now. Hopefully this will make it easier since changes can be seen in real time instead of me having to update the entire pastebin every time. It'll also save past versions and such so it'll be easier to revert stuff if we end up not liking it.
I'm hoping this works since I haven't used google docs in a long time. Damn thing didn't accept my page breaks from when I pasted it over, so there's a bunch of dumb formatting to fix.
Whelp, the thread finally archived, ready for issue 1?
So it has. Alright, I'll get the doc open in a bit and start working on the last changes you mentioned in the thread before it went down.
Uh oh, looks like there's another gap of text that got purged in issue 0, between SG jerkily crossing the street and the Arms fight.
So we got the Cole seeing these new duds. Looking them over, Calling the look "Interesting". Do you want him questioning thee super well fitting clothes at all?
The alleyway line? I nixed that and rearranged stuff because it read redundantly and confusingly to me the way it was. It was like /co/le goes into the alleyway to change, but then he's also fighting a guy in an alleyway and it seemed like he changed in the same alleyway.
Might wanna change that bit up, too it's reading weird to me. She follows him, comments he's a superhero, and then the fight starts. Like it still sounds like the fights taking place in the alley without having something like "On the other side...".
But we don't have to hit that now if you don't wanna.
I've changed things up a bi to make it clear that he leaves that alleyway to go somewhere else, and that her shadow goes back to that alley where he left his civvies after he walks off.
Alright, back to issue 1.
I feel the note should be tidied up a little. just have her request him to try it on upfront. Maybe have the "make you mine" bit as a PS or a small print thing.
Maybe "I really hope you'll be mine" as the PS then.
But it still doesn't quit feel right.
Just that specific part or the whole thing?
It's like the note needs to imply that if he puts it on, he'll be hers'. Like he's agreeing to a contract. It's not really doing that, and it shouldn't be doing that. It should be ambiguous because SG is being shady about the wording.
It's like the actual note in The Santa Clause, in that the note is the contract and he doesn't know that until it is too late.
Yeah that's a tough one.
My head is trying to play it off like she's begging him to put it on, like a fan would
something like "I made this new costume for you. I'd be so grateful if you tried it on. You'd be my champion!"
but that reads weird. Maybe hero is more ambiguous.
Yeah, "You'd be my hero if you wore it" works for the contract purposes, but it also feels like it grinds against the "from a fan" part.
Maybe personal hero?
Yeah, that works real good, actually.
So he starts putting on the shoes, and is shocked.
"These are most comfortable shoes I've ever worn."
Maybe have him go to the gloves next, his amazement continoues "This is crazy! someone ould makfe something so well fit just looking at me?"
And then come the short shorts. He stares at them for a bit, before sighing "It's for a fan." as he begins to shed his causal wear proper
He has the body portion of his costume assembled, walking towards a mirror.
"I mean, this is all surprisingly comfortable, but..."
Finally he's looking himself over, in all his leathery, Barbarian-esque glory.
"There's gotta be more than this, right?"
I actually want to make a point of it being "I have ever worn" since a certain weight of sincerity comes with not using contractions. Or at least that's how I feel.
Don't have much an opinion on that kinda thing, go with what you feel works.
I'm still tweaking the lines here and there, trying to catch myself as much as I can since I know better than to be telling a story using past tense verbs.
It's getting late though, so if you want to keep going I'll give feed back later today instead of tonight.
Alright, I'll call it here for today, then.
OK, though in the future you can just jump into whatever is next.
Let;s see how much we can get done tonight.
So we can get rid of the PS, right?
I think I'll leave it in, just so he can wonder what that means and have his curiosity immediately satiated when he gets grabbed.
Meh, doesn't really mesh with me. Seems redundant. Is him saying "What does that mean?" the important part of that.
I think I have a solution. Let's have the p.s. be the "You’ll be my personal hero if you wear it." line.
yeah, I think it makes the scene mesh better overall.
Ok, the exchange between SG and Cole. This is one of the things I felt was gonna need a pretty big overhaul.
Just lay the changes on me then.
I just wanted to hear if you had any particular lines you liked.
I guess the first one would be considering to change the inner monologue, Not sure why that line specifically unless you can inform me. If it's just a throwaway line like "Ok, the giant lady hasn't killed me yet so..." Or just a "Y'know what? Sure. this is happening. Why not?"
The line in the internal monologue is a nod to how superheroes are always finding themselves in these sorts of situations and how /co/le rationalizes what's happening.
"Well I was being a superhero so it makes sense this would happen to me" is the sort of mentality he has going on right then.
You don't try to be a superhero if you freak out over every giant sky lady who grabs you. Also, the "yeah, sure, why not, this is happening right now HA HA" sort of thinking has always rubbed me the wrong way when it's coming from superheroes. From an average joe, sure, but strange comes with the job, it's what you're signing up for when you put on your super suit and fight other people with explainable powers. Having a mental breakdown is the opposite of what a super should be doing in that sort of situation, unless you're quippy McGee Spider-Man.
Well It makes him sound like a conspiracy theorist on it's own. Maybe something more like "This is odd. But I'm a hero, so odd's...normal."
"This is strange, but I'm a hero, so strange comes with the job."
Or should he think he *was* a hero? How does he mentally classify himself right now? It's a stressful encounter so he might default back to hero mentality and think that he *is* a hero despite being in the process of findning a new career.
What do you think?
Yeah, I think the disconnect is coming from us having different ideas of how long he's tried the hero shtick
I assumed he really only tried a few times, really. And from the sounds of it you believed he's been doing this for a considerably long time, like the better part of a year.
Mybe something like "Ok, you were a hero yesterday, there's a grace period before the strange stuff is strange again."
Better part of a year sounds about right. I like to think he really gave it his best shot at being a hero before calling it quits.
I'll go with that line. Only thing that kind of bothers me is him thinking to himself in the second person, but I'm pretty sure we have him doing that somewhere else already, so not a big deal.
If you think it sounds better in first person go for it, doesn't change the line all that much.
Most of the lines before SG changing to normal size is fine, I'd personally shorten Cole's question to just "Who are you?" but that's more a minor nitpick.Maybe have a line for Cole peicing together that the giant lay in front of him is the fan?
Should SG's shadow do anything here? Like a interesting background effect when she introduces herself?
Changing the "who" and "where" to
C: "So... I take it you’re my fan?"
SG: “I am!” She swells up with her shadow spreading out behind her like a flower in bloom “Behold! The Goddess of Shadow Puppetry. Welcome to my room."
Yeah that's good.
Gonna call it for tonight. Should be able to pick back up much earlier tomorrow.
Sleep well then. I still feel odd posting casually in this thread, but this board has no shortage of space.
Whelp not as early as I thought, gonna only be able to stick around an hour before obligations drag me off.
Now the main thing is I wanna try and liven up the convo here specifically, since we made that remark on him "Talking to her like a person" near the end.
I'm also a bit busy tonight, so this is going to be like phone tag in the days of old. We probably won't get much done until another day.
How do you want to liven it up? Obviously you want some more back-and-forth before SG jumps on that dick like a cowboy on a bull.
Probably a bit more on her decor?
Yeah something along those lines, making pleasant small talk, as opposed to the more disjointed sentences.
So what do they have to talk about? I assume /co/le will need to be the one to initiate conversation since SG will be too distracted.
Does /co/le ask her how long she's been a fan or if she really saw him getting beat up?
I'm sort of coming up blank right now.
I'd say some topics could include
Champion (Might wanna edit the the stuff on the topic earlier for that)
What's she about (get to know some more of her)
The topic already written are fine, but probably need some expanding and better tying together.
The main difficulty I'm having is just how long we'd want this to go before the canoodling.
She already tells him that he's her champion now, but doesn't go into detail about it. I'd imagine if she did then /co/le would protest sooner and that's less funny than finding out from the Demon.
I can add in some lines before /co/le becomes normalized with the room.
It feels like part of /co/le's beef with SG is that he really doesn't know much about her throughout the story, she doesn't exactly open up about her insecurities to him, not until Skathi gets her good and sloshed at least.
That depends on how long the conversation can go before any line is spoken that SG can twist to lead to the bed. Which is not long.
I didn't spot a new thread, ran out of steam on this one at some point, gotta come back to fix it up later.
I didn't make the thread until a couple of hours ago. We're trying a Monday start time to see if that makes them be anymore active.
I remember when you drew the sketch version of that. 2016 feels so long ago now.
I had to check the old version of this pic... is it odd for me to think that the sketch version is better?
That's just the imagination effect where an unfinished version feels better because you brain fills in the best way that you think it should be.
It's the same way with those people complaining about "potential" these days.
No, not just that. Many details are either reduced or missing altogether on the inked version (Springs left eye, the bottom left dudes head, the weapons on the couches, some of the clothing, etc), and some parts are completely changed (the faces for Winter and Fall are much cuter on the old version).
Also the sketch has more varied line thickness while the new version uses the same thickness everywhere, which allows less space for detail, and less... I dunno, "depth"? It feels more crowded since the small details blend together with the outlines of the scene / scenery. The stuff further on the back should be thinner due to the depth of field too; on the sketch this is emulated by the background characters having almost no detail while the stuff on the bottom having extreme amounts of it.
and after looking at both pics for so long, I want to eat a hamburger now.
I think that's fair. I am cleaning up this image digitally right now so I will put some of these back in before trying to color it.
>I think that's fair.
I'm relieved that you think so, because every time I write up criticism on a pic made by an artist I like, I'm dreaded by the thought that the artist will get triggered by this and rage quit drawing forever. Lord knows it has happened too often.
And of course the two days the thread is up is the two days I gotta get up early. Sorry about that.
I haven't had time to think of a back and forth today, but I had an idea of having the shadow cling to him, only for it's grip to become like iron and drag him to the bed while SG goes to lock the door.
I'm thinking of starting the thread on Sundays from now on to see what happens.
I don't want to show /co/le being dragged to the bed, I'd rather just have SG lock the door and cut to the outside since that's more comedic than rapetacular. It's right on that edge where it's still funny where you don't think too hard about the implications.
Well, I would be lying if say it doesn't gets me down at all, but I don't have as much time to mope around recently. Time, my ability to stay awake and stay focus pose more of an obstacle to drawing nowadays. Its sad but I think people rage quit probably forgot how to have fun with pencils. Being able to enjoy the creative process is a skill one developed over time.
Ok for the Clothes thing, I'd say it's fine for the most part, maybe some dumbing down to make the convo more casual.
"I would've thought you'd dress a champion up like how you guys dress up. This doesn't look close to your style."
"Oh. well, we still see what humans find stylish from here. And, uh, enchanting a WHOLE outfit is....inefficient! I thought I struck a good balance of something you'd like and...practicality."
"Yeah, maybe if I was a metalhea- wait, enchanted?"
This look any good?
"I would've thought you'd dress a champion up like if you were sending them into battle. This doesn't look close to your style."
Though that does throw the style bit out of place.
The second line, "from here," from where, exactly? Does she have a crystal or a viewing mirror she's showing him? I'm tired right now and can't remember exactly what she's been using for spying (I've had a day).
It does a bit.
I guess I mean she could look at what humans were doing from their kingdom. The how is pretty vague as of right now, we know she has a computer later on.
Thinking about it some more, "I would have thought you would" bothers me. How about:
C: "I’d have thought a champion would be dressed up like if you were sending them into battle. This, uh, leaves me feeling kind of exposed."
SG turns her head away from /co/le as she says in a not too believable tone "Oh. Well, we still see what humans find stylish from up here. And, uh, enchanting a WHOLE outfit is… inefficient! I thought I struck a good balance of something you'd like and… practicality." As she bites her lower lip while eyeing /co/le's rear.
C: "Yeah, maybe if I was a metalhead- wait, enchanted?"
I can dig it.
Now, Cole being excited about having his powers fixed might be where we can shove in "Treating like a person" part I've been trying to put in.
Cole gets the biggest smile, genuinely happy of what he just heard.
"Yoiu fixed my powers? I've always had them give out on me when I need them most."
SG's lines with locking the door is fine.
"You don't know what this means to me. I don't know how to thank you."
"I think I know one way."
He looks at the goddess, her tone changing his smile to a confused face.
"Let's test them out."
This sound alright?
Something I'd like to figure out on the fly right now. Has he always had these powers, did he only get them recently, or did he only discover he had them recently?
It's something we've never actually addressed.
I had it in my head he had them for awhile, I'd even be cliche as to say when he was a kid. He was just into acting more, so he never really used them, and the powers crapping out on him just made using them all the less appealing.
I can go with that. It's not particularly relevant to where we are right now, I just want to make sure that if we end up dipping more into /co/le's past at any point during this I have an idea of where to go with it.
I assume the next parts we need to address are the descriptors for the visuals of what's going on with SG's house. Right now it looks like it's in a wishy-washy state.
What do you think need additional detail?
Not so much additional details, just general cleaning up. It was written with options and all the ors were still in there.
I've cleaned it up a bit just now.
Maybe add some more venom to the Gods observign SG getiting laid?
"Damn it! That runt is making racket agin!"
"Wait, it sounds like she found a bedfellow."
"I wonder how long she had to drown someone in the fountain to get them shitfaced enough to bed her?"
Right now they don't have venom towards her, it's more like a passive "oh, right, she exists".
The venom happens later when they realize her power has eclipsed their own by a wide, canyon-like margin.
I can only think of maybe adding the shadow some more.
Maybe the Gods have a throw away line of a mortal "Finding themselves in their plane, again."
I think this is actually the first time SG has ever brought a mortal home.
WG has probably brought mortals home before though, but he pumps and dumps them. Wouldn't even offer them breakfast.
SG's shadow I think would be enjoying /co/le's shadow as much as SG is enjoying the man himself. As SG's actions line up with her desires, her shadow has less of a presence since it is actually just her and not a separate entity. I don't want to call it Ego/Super Ego/ID, but that's the most recognizable analogy avialible to me.
I guess the joke would be that ever since their dismissal of the mortal realm, the only time they find mortals in there now is if a Buck Rogers type stumbles in during a space adventure.
I guess that's another thing to think about, if She were to stop thinking it like another person, do we still need the sight gags later? I'm of the mind she would still use it to emphasize things, and the occasional revealing of inner thoughts.
You think you can get there from space? That cosmonaut who was one of the first in space who looked around and said something along the lines of "I looked and looked, but I could not see god", but in the /co/verse he ended up getting grabbed by some curious gods?
If they're funny, I'd rather keep them. There's some toon elements to her nature that have started developing which I like. She still can't fully act on her impulses.
Maybe, if you don't wanna go for it, it was a bit reaching for a joke.
Anyway, I gotta get some sleep. Glad we got more than one post between each other for once today.
who else should I put on here?
bottom right: Nicky Two-vests with a knife in his hand, sparring/parrying Conrad (elbow hitting elbow style).
left side: Jetpack Valkyrie, with her sword drawn, could take the full height of the pic like Colette
top right, background (in the empty space above Conrad and Nicky): Jetpack Viking looking down menacing while holding a battle axe.
Nicky Two-Vests, there's a name I've not heard in a long time...
Ok, I can't think of anymore stuff for the first issue. Anything that doesn't gel with you or do you wanna move on?
On to issue 2 then.
I won't be around much tonight, but I'll work on it some more tomorrow. I'll probably give the end of issue 1 another look tomorrow as well.
Alright. Might wanna read through it again, see what sticks out.
I was thinking of having sprucing up the 696 dialogue since we have edited the previous issues. Like he comments on how "Gods love their vague contracts" and the sort. But that's off what I remember, I still gotta read it proper
I just read through the rest of issue 1, and I don't see anything that really stands out to me as needing attention (though the way the page breaks at the end of it would annoy me if this were on paper).
So we really are on to issue 2.
Ok, so we just finished 696's convo and finding a loophole, right?
Right. Now we're on the set of /co/le's first gig.
Yeah, for the most part, I'm only wondering if we should try and introduce the BTS crew Cole will work with here, Even if it's just the director that gets a line in.
And there's the thing with the 12 tasks thing, It seems pretty scare, him doing porno. We might wanna add some other things of that later on the story, else the two we have seem to stick out.
Any ideas for expansions then?
We can add in a line later with the demon telling him that he's finally getting more "respectable" work. I think the fight with Thunder Clap is what really got his film career started, gave him a lot of exposure real fast.
I was thinking, at worst, Just have SG have alot of merch from other adult films he's in, being what she's all about at the time.
I'd think poster, official or not.
Posters makes more sense.
I still don't know exactly what it is you want to add, change, or expand at the end of issue 2. I don't think too many of the same staff as later would be on /co/le's earliest productions.
I guess not seeing the you don't think the crew would really be in that issue.
Oh wait, maybe some tweaking for sg
Maybe take a jab at her lack of understanding true love. Her going on about how the "Cruel Blanket man" took "Her Champion and Love" away with the quest clause.
OK, so maybe?
Up in the cloud city of the gods, the goddess is watching /co/le on a big screen TV mumbling to herself "Stupid jerks took my man away..."
/co/le is on the screen carrying the girl in the skimpy deer costume slung over his shoulders like a hunting trophy.
SG sighs "That should be ME hung over him." She hugs a pillow tightly to her chest "I can't even bring him back up here now. Curse that cloth demon for putting him on a quest for me."
SG keeps watching the screen shifting a little as /co/le is getting covered in olive oil. "This is also pretty good..."
I haven't made any changes to the doc yet.
Whelp Here we go again.
>You think that all works? I had to think through about two other ideas before I went with them asking questions to get the details spoken to them.
Yeah, even when I woke up with a clearer head it read fine to me.And was a pretty natural way of talking between them, you did fine.
Hopefully you have the finer details of the characters design stored somewhere.
Ok, so I wanted to have Loomappera tell her little sob story with a little show of how the whole thing really went down. So she would say how SG was tricking her to make the costume, but the flashback shows SG Fawning over Cole/ Begging tearfully with Loom just rubbing her temples at the annoyance, maybe have the shadow take the form of Cole.
Something like that sound good, before I dump out my whole idea for it?
So you just want to greatly expand upon Loom's first appearance? She says her line like how she didn't know what SG was planning then it cuts to a flash back with SG gushing about some guy she met before Loom makes the close to make SG go away?
It's not really a sob story, it's more like a "I'm covering my ass" story.
Yeah, your right.
I guess sit depends on if she's trying to paint a bad lght on SG or not, I think what I put out right now is implying she is. But would we wanna do that?
I don't think she is, she's trying to give the appearance of being neutral, that she'll make clothes for anyone. Plus, SG is kind of listening in, though not really. But the possibility is why Loom won't shit talk her.
So a more subtle underhander? So maybe a line more like being a victim of circumstance.
I kinda wanted tot do he flashback stuff, but I can't really think of any past the first one, or at least, none that wouldn't start revealing stuff we probably wanna save this early on, like her getting a glow, implying her getting power.
Might wanna scrap that idea and just go for a line change.
Alright, so what do you want to change the line to?
Right now it's
>Loomappera: "Oh, yes, standard champion gear. You see, SHE didn't tell me the clothes she asked me to make were for a champion, so when Donyoru asked I couldn't refuse. Even when he wanted a little more for his mortal to work with."
Alright, prepare for added text.
"Yes, standard champion gear..."
"With some added flair from YOURS TRULY."
"...Is the least I could do. I didn't realize she would use that gear I made for this." She waves at the posters of Cole. "She just asked for some "sexy Barbarian gear" with some easy spells of fixing. It wasn't until I felt my outfit transferring power that I realized she made a champion. Then Donyoru showed me her change in the scroll. I don't know what she's planning to do with that power."
"Which is why I'm taking charge in testing the waters, see how she reacts to competition!"
Something less mean, only for Runyon's ego escalating the situation.
Which may or may not be all part of Loom's plan.
This sound ok? Too much?
If we're using all of that then it needs flavor text between all of the line breaks.
"Yes, standard champion gear, with some added flair from yours truly!" Loomappera puts her hands on her hips and is literally beaming with pride as the other gods shield their eyes. "It's the least I could do. I didn't realize she would use that gear I made for this." She unrolls a poster of /co/le's adult film debut. "She only asked for some "sexy Barbarian gear" with some easy spells of fixing. It wasn't until I felt my outfit transferring power that I realized she made a champion. Then Donyoru showed me her change in the scroll, and, well, I couldn't refuse."
I can't really see what planning and testing the waters really adds to the scene since that just makes her out to be a schemer right away.
Oh the "Flair" and "testing Waters" was the drum god, he's planning on the Testing SG's reaction on another champ presence.
Oooooh, that makes much more sense now. I thought, yeah...
Yeah, that's fine then.
OK, so I've got
>Donyoru: “I don’t know what she’s plotting with all that power, so we’ll see how she reacts to some healthy competition!” he says as he’s looking greedily at Thunder Clap who just put out a raging forest fire with one clap of his hands. "Look at him go! He's getting crazy attention on that thing the mortals call 'the internet'! He's way more popular than HER chump!"
Since I still feel testing the waters doesn't really click with the context.
Yeah, that works.
Oh wait, maybe just add to the last sentence of Looms text
"Then Donyoru showed me her change in the scroll, and asked for my help in his plan and, well, I couldn't refuse."
What's next then? Any changes needed to DG getting snubbed by SG?
maybe more reaction from the crowd? fan the fire a bit?
Hmm, I don't want to give them too much since I feel like they already get about 50% of all the attention in the story. I don't want them to overshadow /co/le anymore than they already kind of do.
Plus Loom already fans the fire just enough to get him going without drawing suspicion onto herself.
Ah, I seem to be getting tunnel vision on this script, didn't even notice the stuff already written. I'd only suggest her segue to the stuff she knows will get to him.
Looma:"Well, that settles that. She not looking to hoard all the power herself. But it's so strange. Most champions gave power by their heroic deeds, but HER champion rakes so much MORE for her by doing nothing heroic. Just look at that"
They peek into SG's window, where they see her participating in a forum thread about Cole, most of the posts revolving around love for him.
Looma:"Weird, isnt it?"
Donyoru:"HAHAHA! Strange indeed! Well, I've got other things to attend to. See you all later!"
That seems kind of unnecessary based on what's already there though. It's the same things in the sameish number of words.
SG engaging in flame wars online feels like something she might do, but at the same time it's not something I want to feel like I have to write at any point after having mentioned it in the story.
Hmm, might be the tunnel vision again. I still feel like there should be a change to the dialogue. The y'know line seems pretty...blatant is the word I'm feeling.
Y'know...how about this?
"So she's not hoarding power for herself, then. Mortals just seem to like fake heroics more than real heroics."
So you want to replace the 'back in the day' line.
Loomappera cuts in again "So there you have it. She's not hoarding power for herself, then. Mortals just seem to like fake heroics more than real heroics. I mean, just look at what all these mortals are saying about him compared to Thunder Clap." She summons another viewing window showing online forums where people are discussing /co/le, many of the posts are by SG gushing about him, but Donyoru doesn't seem to notice.
Yeah, I think that can work.
I'm obviously slowing down slowing down. Should probably call it, maybe I can read clearer in the morning.
>Hopefully you have the finer details of the characters design stored somewhere.
I forgot to address this last night.
The pastebin is still unchanged, so if we do end up wanting to look back to how things were in the first pass, that's still availible.
And back earlier
I'm thinking the Drum god takeover is fine as is.
Oh hey, the director. Did we wanna get his look down? Did we want to do that?
Young or old? Beard or no beard?
I was thinking young, fuzz for a beard I guess.
So a younger director to fit with his more energetic nature.
I'd assume he would look STRONK (stout, wide chest, not too tall) to match the feats he pulls off.
Who are you thinking when you think that body type? you have an actor I can look up?
I'm not thinking of an actor. Right now we seem to have a buff fantasy dwarf version of Steven Spielberg from the 80s.
Heh, maybe not drawf, but short would work fine.
It's the easiest way to invoke the mental image of stout and strong.
So do we only need a minor change to include his description?
The director, a stout looking man with a trim beard and a wide chest, is standing on his chair talking to /co/le through a megaphone
Sure, that'd be fine.
The only other thing I can see is just saying someone lights him on fire before "ACTION!"
Maybe for a different stunt later when the director is better versed in what /co/le can withstand.
I'm not sure why the director says flame ball there, I think it's left over from something that got scrapped or changed several versions ago, like six months or more ago. So I'm going to change that to long fall.
I think the reason was he's a stunt double and he still needed to wear the armor?
But we already have him wearing a tux over his costume later, so we could just have him wear something over it if need be.
I just don't know where the "flame ball" came from. I know that particular exchange wasn't one of the bits I wrote, so I'm fuzzy on what was being discussed at the time. Either way, he's not on fire for the fall.
If the room he jumps out of explodes afterwards, then sure, but that's still outside of the budget the things /co/le would be working in at that point.
And he can totally wear things over the costume and still get the benefits, he just isn't right now for some reason. We could re-work it a little that he strips out of the layers on top of the costume to get the glass off before talking to the director again.
Yeah I think that was it, there was an explosion and he caught fire. But like you said, he's not doing it now.
I would just make it an easy thing where he's wearing a mission impossible type getup.
The director walks over to /co/le, who is stripping out of his stunt getup down to his champion garb trying to get all of the glass shards off, and starts talking to him
Alright, that works.
Maybe just change "What about an explosion?" to "Can you take an explosion?" Just so it's more obvious what he's asking.
Everything to the arrival of Thunder Clap is fine, otherwise.
OK, what's next then? Does TC's arrival need more details?
I'm thinking maybe changing up the initial barrage from being "Ineffectual" to being "Overly choreographed" and easy to catch/ deflect. So it doesn't look like his strength is like DBZ Ki, he doesn't need to focus on it.
Maybe have 696 just say "This guy reeks of your pantheon's magic. If I had..." he rest is fine there.
And the next set has the designer that'll be a problem later in, right?
He's punching /co/le's chest. His fists are connecting, but he's doing ZERO damage. And yes, the set designer is the guy who will come up later.
Thunder Clap dashes at /co/le and begins punching his chest ineffectively as the blows just bounce off of his impervious body until /co/le catches both of Thunder Clap's fists
C: "Really, can't we talk this out like gentlemen?"
Six-Nine-Six appears and begins talking in /co/le's ear “This guy reeks of your pantheon's magic. If I had to guess he’s got a similar contract, a champion like you, only he’s not on a quest.”
This takes /co/le by surprise "What?" and he's sent flying by Thunder Clap's hyper voice.
Flying right into another set and smashing it all to pieces, the set designer looks on in shock and terror as he yells "My set!"
Oh, OK. I think I didn't catch he used not punches to send him flying.
I'd retry the Directors line
"GET THIS RECORDED!"
"But... the set."
"I'LL REWRITE THE SCRIPT, GET FILMING!"
No, I changed that to the voice sending him flying since you wanted his fists to be caught.
Looks fine for the fight.
May wanna shorten the post fight exposition.
"He'll probably wonder about his bruises and being in Europe. Without a quest, Champions can be taken over by their Gods."
And just a quick edit at the end
"... Even if you lost she'll keep you as hers. So try not to die."
Though I do feel like 696 is slowly losing the more devilish parts of his personality. He may be a researcher, but he's still a demon. They should all feel at least a little bit sinister every now and then even if they're not up to anything, like a shared sense of mildly dark humor.
Oh, you want him to have snark?
Where was the snark I snubbed out?
I feel as if any of the more 'unique' (I guess) words he uses are being bleached out. Like him using juju, think of him using words like that as him dumbing it down for everyone he's talking to.
Right now as is, not much of an issue, it's just something to keep in mind.
You think the words I dumbed down take away uniqueness, keep 'em. I'm not too attached to the SPECIFIC words used, more so the structure of how they're said.
Although I am probably having him play way more straight than it sounds like you want him to be. Might wanna hear how you think he is.
How I think he is is that he knows those around him aren't as knowledgeable as he is or else they wouldn't have summoned him, but he also knows they aren't stupid because they were smart enough to summon him.
So he knows they know that they don't know.
In general I don't think humans and demons should have the same way of thinking and viewing things, but both have enough common sense to be aware of this and push past any misunderstandings or shortcomings easily enough. Right now how demons "think" in this setting isn't really solidly established, or at least significantly differentiated, from humans in my opinion. But that's a topic for a different time.
In my mind, 696's voice has defaulted to that of Rocky's coach. I don't know why.
It's getting around that time for me to call it, but this will be good for me to note. I'll see if I can work that in.
The main thing holding me back is how do you think demons...think. If we set that up, I'll be happy to go through the script again.
>In my mind, 696's voice has defaulted to that of Rocky's coach. I don't know why.
champ was the word they used all the time in Rocky movies, it'd make sense. I'd put him more as a deeper, smoother voice with the Philly accent
That's the problem I'm running into, I don't really know how demons "think" in this setting. It's related to what we're doing, but it's also an entirely different can of worms that hasn't been explored and could likely end up detracting us from progress. I'll bring it up in the next thread on /co/ and see if a demonic hierarchy of needs can be established since those threads have more eyes. For all I know, after the color system went into effect, demons are a post-scarcity society in those kingdoms.
Until then, I guess we just proceed as usual. So we're done with issue 3 now?
SGs ending lines are bugging me something fierce. I think we might wanna start from the ground up on that. Unless there's something you wanna keep it for?
I'm assuming she's constantly watching him, like, outside the TV/Movie stuff.
The overall gist of his ending lines are how she's even more enamored with him after he was all heroic and also kind/forgiving to his enemy. That intent is what needs to be kept if the lines themselves are reworked. Now, is it just the dialogue, or the entire paragraph? If I recall, you had issues with that particular piece of dialogue before, so I think this is the third or fourth time it will have been revised.
She's watching him near constantly, but she herself does sleep and take breaks to do other things, like messing with the weather.
Yes, fourth time.
"You little heart throb, you do have an ounce of heroism. That's why I love you." she pulls the pillow of him closer "Well... maybe not just that."
"You little heart throb, all that heroism. That's why I love you." she pulls the pillow of him closer, touching where his abs are printed "Well... maybe not just because that."
“Oh you heart throb, all that heroism. Protecting the innocent, even saving your foe and giving him a boon.” She pulls the pillow of him closer, touching where his abs are printed “You’re just making me fall even deeper in love with you.”
New version options?:
"Oh my darling champion, showing such mercy/kindness/compassion/other to a vanquished foe..." She says while hugging the body pillow "You're so much more than just a pretty face and rock hard muscles... It makes me want you so much more."
Just the dialogue. It's almost on level with characters speaking their thoughts in uncanny-ness
"Saving lives! Helping you Enemy! Donyoru doesn't realize how wrong he is. You ARE a hero. MY hero!"
I Guess the main thing bugging me is her announcing her love, like she's a romantic era knight.
Also, I think her shadow should be doing something here. What I'm coming up with is a hand rewinding and playing the Vibration part on her TV.
Up in the cloud kingdom of the gods, the goddess is swooning over a body pillow with a picture of /co/le printed on it squeeing to herself "Saving lives! Helping your enemy! Donyoru doesn't realize how wrong he is. You ARE a hero. MY hero!" Meanwhile her shadow is rewinding the footage replying the part where /co/le has Thunder Clap in a headlock and over again.
Does it need another line by SG to cap it off? Like something about her being even more into him now or is her first line good enough to get that message across?
What does her being MORE in love with him imply? I'm having trouble wrapping my head around that, how that need to be established. Do you think it informs something later on?
It is to establish that she has more than just a physical attraction to him. At the start it is pure pent up lust, then she sees what he's actually like beyond the face and the hair and the muscles and finds him all the more attractive for it. This is the first time she's seeing him beyond his appearance and glimpsing his character as a person. At this point she's still not at the stage where she can see her actions as being detrimental to him though.
Hmmm. I suppose that's fine. I'd think that less is more in this situation.She doesn't really need to SAY she's falling more for him, just act like it. Go from " OH MAN YOU SEE THAT ASS I'M GONNA FUCKING AAAAAAA" To legit love is alot more obvious.
So you think the current line conveys that well enough? As long as that is getting across, then it's fine.
It's Saturday and I'm going to watch toonami soon so I can poke fun at the anime on /co/, so I'll probably not be around until tomorrow. And it's also fucking daylight savings tonight too... I really wish that would go away already. So I'll see you in the /co/ thread when it's made tomorrow, if it manages to not sink immediately before we're both around in it.
Yeah, anything as simple as not spazzing out AS MUCH can get it across enough.
I was gonna call it early since I gotta drop someone off in the morning, so this works out
Eh, not like we don't know where to find each other if that happens
Deciding if the new exchange of dialogue should be at the start of issue four or after the scene in the cloud city.
Currently it is at the start of issue 4.
Also establishing if /co/le's narration of "over the past week" is good enough to make the passage of time evident from the previous scene of the stage builder showing signs of having a champion contract.
It's fine where it is, thought maybe doesn't flow amazingly, but it doesn't need to in that particular case.
And yes, saying "A week has passed" does tell the reader time has passed. It's just one of the more jarring ways of doing it.
If the flow bothers you then don't hesitate to tell me and how it can be fixed.
Is the week passed line still jarring in the proper he context though?
I'm not finding the line in question. Is it not on the doc?
It's in the doc, it's after the set guy and the old timer exchange is done, when /co/le is talking to his "shadow".
Oh no, that's WAY too jarring.
What's he thinking is so strange happening?
He goes into a flashback describing the odd occurrences immediately after that.
So the set director has already been championed?
Also, I'm starting to feel as if we're not reading from the same doc.
Doubt that, unless you went back to the pastebin for some reason.
I'm just asking questions, trying to piece together what your going for.
first thing is to write out the scene transitions to a flashback.
not sure WHY you want a flashback, and not just have it, y'know, happen in a kind of montage.
I tried doing it in order when I wrote it the first time, but I found it incredibly dry and boring. There was no sense of menace doing it that way.
You see the guy with the moving paper on the clipboard, you wonder what PG is planning to do with this guy.
And if you just go right into it, it just falls flat. Like if the events of the week are shown first then there's no impact when it's revealed /co/le is talking to SG because you already know he's talking to SG because the demon would have told him to do it.
Compare that to him seemingly talking to no one describing weird occurrences before SG reveals herself in a different way than before, there's some POP to that. It also eliminates having to go over the week twice.
I can re-work it to be "the next day", "the day after" and so on, and have /co/le say "so that's how my weeks been" or some variant of.
I just don't know if that's any better than what it currently is.
Ok, I can see what you mean.
At that point, PG talking to the set guy seems odd, it reads like she just introduced herself, but this stuff has been happening for a week.
I'd still just add a little note for the transition to the flashback, just so it's known what's going on. The reason I'm asking these story directions is because I'm kinda guessing what's going on.
I think I'm just a little on edge today. Re-working it into...
/co/le is on set for rehearsal, he's looking over the script to practice his lines when suddenly *CRASH* an overhead spotlight falls on his head. /co/le doesn't even flinch, he's too focused on reading his lines while everyone else gasps in shock. He looks up and says "What? Did I fumble my lines?"
The footage being reviewed during filming and there's something obstructing half the shot.
The director yells "Cut!" and asks "What is this?!"
One of his associates answers "Looks like something got on the lenses again."
"How does this keep happening? Alright, take 15."
/co/le is over by the refreshment table, he opens the fridge to get a cold bottle of water, but it's not cold at all.
One of the other actors says "Dammit, not again. Why is everything on the fritz around here?"
/co/le closes the fridge and notices something moving from the corner of his eye, he turns his head to look at one of the dark corners of the set and just catches a glimpse of something disappearing around a corner, something big.
/co/le is walking between sets and the lights flicker and go out before coming back on.
He overhears a couple of stagehands walking by discussing this "Ack, this has been going on all day."
"They've already called in an electrician to look at the lines and backups."
From off screen someone yells "HOLY SHIT!"
The electrician comes stumbling backwards from one of the maintenance rooms, he looks pale.
/co/le asks "Are you OK? What happened?"
The electrician holds up his hands (they're shaking) and answers "B-big thing! Lots of arms, jumped up to the ceiling then slipped into the vents like it was steam or something!"
The stagehands look unconvinced until they hear one of the fans in the vents above them come to a screaming stop.
/co/le is sitting down in his trailer with his head in his hands speaking to no one in particular while looking down at his shadow "This has been a very strange week." He sighs as he straightens up and looks at his shadow on the wall asking it "So are you behind all this, my goddess?"
Is that any better than the current flashback thing I had going on?
Well if it's confusing you, it's going to confuse any other prospective readers. This is why I appreciate your continued input. Your post didn't show up in the thread for me when I made my re-worked post until I did manual refresh of the thread. I think it was a timing thing.
What's going on is PG says she's going to make it all better to her husband, then immediately scouts someone with a grudge against /co/le to begin manipulating the guy for her purposes. Then the set guy gets to work on ruining things.
It's tells me there's more than constant scene changes.
If you think you need to step off this for now, we can call it here.
Nah, I'm good for maybe another hour. So is that re-work any better than the current doc version?
Alright. Weird thing, it added all of the weekday names to that google doc outline when I pasted it in.
So what's next? Do we still need to adjust that flow thing you mentioned with the new dialogue?
The google doc auto outline protocol is wacky, all caps seem to trigger it.
As he walks away reviewing the latest work orders a voice whispers to him “You are absolutely right.” as the papers on his clipboard begin folding into an origami face all on their own.
The main thing was the PG set guy interaction, if it's taking place after all the stuff has happened, it reads like they just met here.
I don't remember if my intention was for that to be their first meeting or if she had been whispering in his ear for a little while before that.
Looking at the scene before with PG saying she'll make it all better soon, it would be fine if that's the first time PG talks to Pierre (I'm naming him that because he feels French for some reason and it's funny to me).
So yes, let's go with that being their first interaction. Then it cuts to the next day where he's now making mischief in the background.
But then that'd make a hard cut to a week later with little between. I'd suggest maybe changing it to "Forget him! Our work is nearly complete. Your revenge is close at hand."
But it is no longer cutting to a week later.
See, that conversation happens on Monday, then we go to Tuesday, etc. until we end up on Saturday when /co/le asks SG questions.
Ok, didn't see the text shift. I'm really losing it. I need to step out.
Good news is this virus scare has made my classes online, so I should be able to let me drop in at more sensible hours.
Yeah, that virus is part of why I was on edge earlier.
Sure, we'll call it here tonight. When you have time again give #4 a re-read up to where we are right now in it so all of the changes set in.
I think it should make more sense to you now with the changes made tonight.
Your right. Now that I got some sleep, it reads a whole lot better.
I'm thinking over moving the exchange at the start of the issue to after the cloud city bit and putting a big MONDAY above it. That's where you originally thought that exchange would be at anyway and this would help make the time passage clearer.
Something to get to in a couple more hours.
Sounds good to me, got everything flowing pretty good that way.
I'd already rearranged it before you made that post, just needed to change a couple of lines so it flowed into the scene with the two set designers right after it.
So what's next in issue 4?
Maybe have SG smack talk about PG? Like she talks about how their "Oh so much greater than me because they settle down, not like it keeps them from boning everyone else anyway." something like that sound good?
Let me see, I think I can add something in here.
"Mmmm-hmmm, her husband" there's some disdain in the goddess' voice as she says this "is the god of drums. They're always flaunting their oh-so lovey-dovey marriage in front of everyone, they've been that way for over 200 years now!" Her exasperation dies down as she leans back again /co/le "So she wants to get back at you for beating his champ."
/co/le whispers under his breath "What the hell?"
The goddess continues "But he's no big deal, her boy toy is nowhere near as handsome or" she bites her lower lip as she rubs a hand across /co/le's pecs "well defined as you."
yeah, that works. Gives a look at how these gods all see each other as assholes, not realizing they're all asshole.
It's easier to think of gods as petty teenagers. "Like, oh my us, did you see what Loomappera was wearing?"
OK, what else stands out in issue 4?
Maybe have a transtitional for the motor bike thing?
Jsust something easy like
Cole: Oh, right. I'm guest starring in that...
Cut to the dirt bike thing with some over excited guy shouting over the speakers
"Monsters and Motorcycles!"
The building description kind of breaks up any sort of transition like that. Best I can come up with right now is:
Six-Nine-Six looks at his phone/watch/floating runes "While the sets are being repaired you have a meet and greet during the next tour."
"Right, the fans of the show I'm guest starring on."
The scene changes to a group of kids and their parents (mostly their mothers) being led around by a tour guide as they arrive at an in-door dirt-bike track, the building has an open ceiling that can be closed with many metal supports criss-crossing it in a grid pattern.
Guide: "And here is where we shoot many of the stunts for the Cycling Heroes show."
The kids all cheer "Monsters and Motorcycles!" looking into the building with excitement as the parents just smile to humor their kids.
That's the better way to do it. Him saying it felt off, but kids screaming their favorite show is more believable.
The "Don't litter line" can work, it sticks out right now. maybe have the the parents looking at him like "really?" but then the kids start cheering, maybe having them taking it seriously, because "anyone that cool is worth listening to"
The litter line really is just some on the spot improv he's saying to try to make sure no one freaks out over having just watched a completely real horrific motorcycle crash. If you've ever seen the English dub of Shin-chan, that "HA HA HA" he does is the same way Action Bastard does it.
"HA HA HA!" he reaches up into the bike's axle and pulls out what looks like a piece of a prop "You see this, kids? This is why you don't litter!" As he holds it up he flexes his free arm and puts on his best smile.
The parents are looking at him with a mix concern and are-you-freaking-kidding-me, but the cheering of their children pulls them out of it.
I am actually really struggling here with what they kids should say. I don't want to move up the kids cheering from a couple lines down since /co/le is still a few yards away and needs to put the bike down and look at the prop before they crowd around him.
>"anyone that cool is worth listening to"
It's somehow trowing me off.
The parents are looking at him with a mix concern and are-you-freaking-kidding-me, but the cheering of their children pulls them out of it.
The kids crowd around him still cheering.
Kid 1: "Mister, that was cool!"
Kid 2: "How are you OK? Was that a trick?"
Kid 3: "No way, he's the superhero who works here now! He was all over the news."
Kid 1 & 2: "Cool!"
/co/le laughs as he sets the bike down, as he does, he looks at the prop that caused him to lose control and thinks "Is this made of paper? He might be nearby."
But before he can look around, one of the mothers approaches him, behind her is a young boy who looks like he's 5 or 6 years old, he's clinging to her while half-way hiding behind her, still beaming starry-eyed at /co/le.
Does re-arranging it like that work better?
Maybe have the kids Be like
"Whoa did you see that?"
"Not litter? Teacher says that all the time."
"But this guy said it, and he just braked from a hundred kilometers with his FEET! He knows what he's saying!"
It might work better in the the part that's already up. But it also might bloat that part up too much, so it might be better to drop it.
That might work, actually
I wanted to add a joke, where a single lady has a look of surprise, and if it cuts to behind the crowd, the lady has her phone out, with Cole's picture from one of his adult films as the wallpaper/ a gallery pic.
It's just that the lines for the kids you're coming up with feel... even more heavy handed than an improv PSA to save face/reassure people. And that's the issue you had with it initially.
Where would that scene with the phone be at?
Yeah, I was gonna say they're a stretch.
probably when he's talking to the shy kid.
Does this work for you?
The mother is taking a picture of her son with /co/le using her phone (her phone's wallpaper is a picture of /co/le from one of his adult film roles) before continuing "He's really into superheroes, he's been talking about the big man on TV ever since the news report about your fight with Thunder Clap."
I was thinking one of the background moms
Ah, then I'd place it sooner.
The parents are looking at him with a mix concern and are-you-freaking-kidding-me, but the cheering of their children pulls them out of it. One of the mother's takes the opportunity to take a picture of /co/le's pose using her phone (her phone's wallpaper is a picture of /co/le from one of his adult film roles).
Gonna call it for today. Gotta get up early to drive people around.
Bit by bit, we're getting closer and closer to the issue that I know you're most itching to tackle.
Yup. Sorry 'bout the radio silence, had to stock up for the eldery.
Hmmm, the motorcycle being made of paper, maybe add a description of it crumbled where he grabbed it.
The motorcycle isn't made of paper, the thing that got jammed in its wheel is.
Ok, starting off hard of reading already, this'll be fun. Ignore that, then.
Think we could make his little interaction with the kid any better? I feel we should focus just as much on these parts as a genuine cool guy as the parts of women fawning over him and the filming shenanigans.
Might want to just pick it up tomorrow then.
Not sure how to expand that section, maybe talk about the Monsters and Motorcycles show?
Oh, right, you do the Toonami thread thing.
Alright, we'll pick it up tommorow.
Oh geez, this site got an overhaul.
I came up with a new segment in issue 5 that you told me to paste into the doc so you could go over issue 5 top to bottom with that segment in it.
So we're in issue 5 now.
We were just getting to the set, correct?
Oh! I got a few notes from before, Thanks, past me.
>Lily continues "The Collective called us in, sir. Said our services were needed on set, they did." She hands him a card.
I think the "they did" was me hamming up the English aspect. And given how the season girls talk pretty normaly later on, it sticks out, as inoffensive as it is.
>co/le is also peeking over the director's shoulder looking at the card, it looks like he wants to say something, but the director continues talking "Alright, you're hired!"
It may be me being tired, but I don't get it. What's Cole trying to say?
Too much Britbong at the start, huh? That was when I was still trying to get a feel for how they'd talk.
There's really no consistency with them for me to pull from.
/co/le sees they also get work through The Collective, so it gets him curious. You know, since they tend to place people with super abilities.
So it's like he wants to ask "Hey, so what's your super power?"
Yeah, we were both doing it, I think someone was getting butthurt on /coc/ having Brits it so I leaned on it.
As for the Cole bit, maybe have him a little excited? like a guy seeing a celebrity?
>/co/le is also peeking over the director's shoulder looking at the card. He looks excited, like he’s meeting a celebrity, but he can’t get a word in as the director continues talking
>On an old dirt road /co/le is facing off against a man in a formal suit
Wanna add a descriptor to Cole? Do we want him covering his Hero outfit with something?
We probably should. In most of his filmed appearances he should be wearing something over his hero suit to match the productions.
I never thought to clarify what sort of thing they were filming for this issue since it was never all that important.
Maybe he'd be wearing a tattered suit? Like he's been through some shit leading up to that point?
He can always pull it off like a chippendales guy once the actual fight begins.
>On an old dirt road /co/le is wearing a tattered suit that’s seen better days while facing off against a man in a pristine formal suit
Yeh, that's good. I was just gonna suggest the lone ranger because "dusty = desert"
I guess I should ask before Skathi shows up. As 696 has a interest in Pantheons, You think he would be wanting to write down the three different pantheons mingling on set? If so, would you think it would change up how he talks to others?
He's an academic, I assume he has some high level of professionalism.
Also, seeing how all of the deities and champions behave, I don't think he'd be all that impressed. He'd probably remain just as dry after seeing how they still behave as he'd expect regardless of the pantheon.
Good to note.
I'm drifting. I gotta call it for today.
And back, when you're ready.
>"That could've been bad if it were anyone but me."
Not the most elegant way to say that line even in a fight.
>"That's bad, but I'm better." Flexes
>"You'll need more than that."
>"Durability." Points at his free arm "You'll need more than that."
Any of that ok, or do you want more?
He's thinking the line, not speaking it though.
Because of his invulnerability the ice didn't freeze him. If it were anyone else they'd probably have some serious frostbite.
"Good thing my invulnerability's reliable now."
Works for me.
What's next in issue 5?
Maybe spice up the Directors thing?
"Look, That action was amazing, and I like rewriting scripts as much as the next guy, but I need to know now if anyone else is making a surprise appearance!"
The lights go out and the director walks on set "Look, that action amazing, incredible even. We got it all on camera." He's tapping the rolled up script against his head "See, I like rewriting scripts as much as the next guy, but even I have limits on how much can be changed." He points the script at the Seasons Girls "If anyone else here on set has some phenomenal super powers, I'd like to know about it before you jump into the scene!"
When you say "spice" that means to me "add in body language and prop work".
So what else are we doing in this issue?
I mostly mean a slant, doesn't matter how.
But knowing that, those two things really added to it. Good call.
maybe change up the explanation. I'd go from Movies and simplify from there.
The director turns. "You're in a movie set. This is a movie."
Skathi stares blankly.
Skathi looks as if she might have heard someone say something about it at some point in time when she wasn't paying attention
"The performing arts?"
It clicks in her head and she nods, now knowing what the small man is talking about, before looking around at all the people holding cameras and other people running around in costumes from set to set as others direct them.
"Oh... my apologies."
OK, just going to change up the end bit thought because something about it was bugging me.
It finally clicks in her head and she nods while taking note of her full surroundings, seeing all the people holding cameras and other people running around in costumes from set to set as others direct them, doing their best to ignore what fresh madness has arrived in the studio today. Now understanding what the small man is talking about "Oh... my apologies for the intrusion."
Yeah, flows together better like that. Good catch.
Should we try and get the guy that was just being filmed in there? I had an idea for it.
Also, why did Skathi attack, again?
She thought the movie was real and that a guy with divine powers was abusing them by beating on a normal guy who has no powers.
That's why she was checking on the other actor after sending /co/le flying. She thought he was a civilian being attacked.
And by guy who was just being filmed, do you mean the guy that I'm mentioning in this same post?
Yeah. It was.
The premise was something along the lines of this.
"You can make up for it by sticking around. I love how 'real' that fight was. You can kiss and make up our costar Cole and discuss with our star-"
The suited man pipes up "Oh no! I'm not being a part of this anymore! No job is worth getting frozen solid. I QUIT!"
The Director watches the star walk away, before moving back to Cole.
"So just kiss and make up with our star Cole, contribute to the film, and we'll call it square"
That sound okay. Probably'll need abit of trimming. But I think the idea is good, as it starts showing the trend of crew leaving from the danger.
Shoot, just read ahead, change the bit of making Cole the star to "Finding a new star"
Hmm, that guy isn't exactly a "star", he's more of a fight choreography stand-in, like what /co/le is doing. Stunt double stuff.
What they were recording is sort of a trial run to see how much of it is doable with the actors and how much is doable with the action stand-ins.
Plus I don't want that guy being confused for the actual star (who we should probably name and give more descriptions for, come to think of it).
A way to fix that is to just move the scene a little further down. After this line:
/co/le muses "That's new." as Skathi begins poking at it with her spear.
The other stuntman who was in the scene shakes his head exclaiming "I'm out!" As he walks past /co/le and the director he apologizes "Sorry guys, but I just can't deal with this. It's too much crazy for me."
As he exits another man walks in, a man wearing a partially unbuttoned shit with wavy blonde hair that could rival /co/le's and a jaw line to match. After the stuntman leaves the man comments "The set sure is lively."
The director nudges /co/le "There's our star."
"So you must be Mr. Cole, my stunt double for this film?" He extends a hand which /co/le shakes "It's nice to finally meet you."
Clara: "Wow, they're both jacked."
It could use a bit more tweaking though.
Ok. I'll mull over it tomorrow, it's getting late.
I should be able to chime in earlier tomorrow.
I'll see if I can pull myself away from the new Animal Crossing game earlier in the day then. As well as my usual Saturday afternoon project.
I have no lack of time right now because of the plague.
As am I.
"So just kiss and make up to our stunt doubles."
"I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I can't take this danger."
"...Our stunt double. contribute to the film, and we'll call it square."
So you wanna take your write up, then?
I think it works better if he quits after seeing the giant shadow hand come out of nowhere.
I feel like Skathi said something to prompt SG for shooting up the NOPE hand, am I misremembering?
She gave /co/le a look up and down since she took "kiss and make up" literally and was contemplating if /co/le was someone she would fuck. SG picked up on that.
In that case, you'll wanna change up the beer scene, since 696 already told Cole there's more than one pantheon already.
"Is it common for pantheons to meet like this?"
"Just how many pantheons do this champion thing?"
Something like either of those?
Probably the latter, It's dawned on me how much the bibble talks about other religions.
Actually, where did 696 mention there being multiple pantheons before now? Was is just implied in issue 2?
/co/le: "So wait, you're telling me there are multiple pantheons that do this whole champion thing?"
Lily: "Oh yeah, loads of 'em. And each has different rules."
Marigold: "Some want people to fight for them as proxies, others just want a foothold in the mortal world for one reason or another."
Lilly: "We've never even met our patron god. Bit of a loner, that guy. Said our mission is to protect humanity."
Daisy: "Huh? But he's never spoken to us, not even once."
Lilly: "Well, it was implied!"
Marigold: "The Collective asked us to help them with this case, they've been learning a lot about how divine rules work from it."
Something like that?
Yeah, in issue 2. Why would the guy that's trying to help you lie?
Ok. reading ahead, Skathi's line her is what I was thinking of. she says not being opposed to kissing.
Skathi has fucked many things over the millennia. Or at least that's what I remember Bug telling me.
She's the type who feels no shame over her sexual exploits and has a hard time keeping up with the rapid changes (from her perspective) human culture goes through.
Yeah, seems about right.
You think we should keep the god tampering tampering to the next issue? I think Cole might have some concerns with SG suddenly showing up.
Can you clarify what you mean? I can't tell which tampering you're citing specifically.
Mostly wondering if Cole would be freaking out. I dunno where I was going with this. Forget it.
Anyway, the issue kinda just ends.
It ends with the star actor being scouted by the folding goddess.
Yeash, right. Time to fiddle with that, now.
First thing, maybe add EPILOGUE. tell the reader the ending bit is separate from the previous scene.
give me a sec to skim the scene. get a feel what you want shown.
It's not really an epilogue. The scene changes back up to the cloud kingdom before going to the star (who we should probably name soon), so the flow of events doesn't feel all that disjointed to me.
Maybe a "Back at the Cloud Kingdom..." to match with the "Meanwhile on Earth" bit earlier?
So, he's been recruited already by Phorisols by the end, then?
and the general beat you want to hit is something like
Phorisols walks into Looappera's room. Some small chat to show they're friendly of sorts, maybe like a cool aunt situation.
P bemoans her parents are making a big deal out of losing.
L shows what having a lot of power gives, by showing the different threads she has weaved through the eons.
With P properly power hungry like her parent, L conspires with her to do it "Better than your family" by hand picking the new champ, happening to be the Star.
And this is the dude Cole is doubling for, right? I kinda wanna be cheeky and just Say a really similar name like Kyle or Carl.
Yeah, a "back at the cloud kingdom" would be needed. It was originally written on the fly and for a different point in the issue, so it does need the tweaking.
Yes, that's the general beat of their interaction.
Yes, it's the actor /co/le is playing stunt double for. If Carl, I'll be too tempted to make ATHF jokes, so Kyle works.
I'll pick up on this more tomorrow.
Aaaaand it's gone. Back here, then.
I think we were about finished with issue 5?
We were re-working the last paragraph of it, yes.
You were saying something about it being odd for him to scope Cole and co?
The scene at the end of the issue currently is just Kyle going over the script and going-ons surrounding production with Phori scoping him out.
Since he isn't the folding champion YET in that scene, he has little reason to be spying.
Ok. I was reading it like he was already recruited, his folding showing he had the powers already.
We changed it so he hasn't been recruited yet, that's part of why the paragraph needs reworking.
Either the handkerchief (or whatever it is) is folding on its own, or just just unconsciously doing it or we change it entirely to however Phori is going to make first contact.
I don't actually want to show their first contact though, just imply that he's being scouted by her.
Might wanna go with the self folding, then. shows she's there without her BEING there.
I think I have an idea for how to swing this.
Back down on Earth, Kyle, the actor from before, is reviewing the day's recording of the fight between /co/le and Skathi
"I really can't blame that guy for quitting after seeing that." He sets the script aside and says his thoughts aloud "I wonder if I'll be able to handle this."
The cover of the script begins to fold itself into smaller and smaller shapes as Kyle continues "I'm sure I'll figure something out."
Yeah, that's about how I'd try and take it.
So are we moving onto issue 6 now?
Oh boy. it's THAT one.
Time to roll up your sleeves and start listing off all the things that need fixing/chaining/rewriting.
Hopefully, we have a better amount of characterization to work with, so it should be a little easier to fill the gaping holes.
I think the first thing was the Skathi line flub?
I have no idea. I just remember there are a lot of things in this issue that you wanted to address. Like, the entire issue.
I'd say just give the whole thing a read over and jot down the parts that make you rub your temples in confusion and we'll go from there.
May want to pack it in, then, it's gonna be a long space of radio silence.
I don't think we have any lack of time these days.
Looking forward to seeing what kinds of rewrites I'll need to come up with once you're done burning a hole through your screen with your eyes.
Ok, so I didin't get through whole thing yet, but I have some pretty big chunks I think need an overhaul.
>Oh, uh, I know this line, it goes, it's 'Are you happy to see the gun in my pocket?
Seems to drag on a bit. may wanna shorten it. have her flub the line, someone snickers, and cut
Whelp, back here, then. Sorry the last edit was more complicated than it should've been.
The bedside talk I feel should be editied, Like I'd think SG would be more than willing to wave the night long banging, then get floored when she realized she didn't learn anything about the dude during all that time.
Yeah, last thread did not last long. No one stayed up to keep it up through the night.
And you're going to have to tell me what line the bedside talk is.
Is that back in issue one? Or is it the chat between SG and Skathi during the flashback in issue six?
I know what part you're referring to now.
So what sort of thing needs to be added or changed?
I don't really get what you meant by your initial post on the subject.
I feel SG would want to have something to one up Skathi, and being the first one on the Cole train would be the perfect thing to do that. Only for her to get asked a question and get floored because she doesn't know jack about Cole.
I'm not sure how to swing that.
What does come to mind thought is after Skathi asks
"Does he like to wear his mask in bed?"
Sg can bring up that she didn't even let him get his boots off when she first got a hold of him instead of just being outright flustered at first.
Is that at least close to what you're going for?
I guess my thought would be after Skathi saying "The other sort of battle."
SG blushes a bit "Oh!" but gets a cocky grin, finally something to show off. "Oh he is very good."
"Really? Does he wear the mask in bed?"
"Oh, I don't know. After a whole night of it, I forgot to ask." SG says, trying to rub it in on a genuinely curious Skathi.
"Oh! you must tell me what he likes, then!" Skathi asks.
"Oh, he.." SG gets stumped, remembering she lead the whole ordeal, and just sorta did all the work "He, uh, liked it when I wen up and down?"
Skathi has a more gentle smile now "Well, isn't he easy to please. Maybe I should teach him some things." as she continues to drain her keg.
Something along those lines.
May wanna think of alternatives to the battle metaphor, maybe, as well
Skathi makes her best attempt at actually trying to whisper "In the bed chambers."
SG blushes a bit "Oh!" but then gets a cocky grin, finally something to show off. "Oh, he's amazing."
"Really? Does he wear the mask in bed?"
"He was able to keep going all night long. And I do mean ALL night long. There wasn't even a moment for him to get his boots off. " SG says smugly.
Skathi is now genuinely curious "Oh! He must have marvelous techniques then."
"Oh, he... uh..." SG is stumped, during their whole night together she mostly took the lead, paying no mind her champion's preferences, only focusing on her own pleasure "He, uh, liked it when I wen up and down?"
Skathi has a more gentle smile now, as if she could read SG's thoughts from the expression of her face "Well, is he not easy to please. Maybe I should teach him some things." as she continues to drain her keg.
>Well, is he not easy to please.
That line now bothers me with the additional context of Skathi picking up on SG having a one-sided relationship with /co/le.
Maybe something like
"Oh! It's been awhile since I heard a mortal actually hold on that long. There must be something he liked to keep going, right?"
>"Well, he sounds easy to please."
>"Oh, he sounds inexperienced, how cute."
Something like that?
We could try twisting it so the implication is that Skathi is calling SG inexperienced.
Or something with a lack of imagination.
Skathi is now genuinely impressed "Such vigor! There must be something that drives him to keep going for so long."
"Oh, he... uh..." SG is stumped, during their whole night together she mostly took the lead, paying no mind her champion's preferences, only focusing on her own pleasure "He, uh, liked it when I wen up and down?"
Skathi has a more gentle smile now, as if she could read SG's thoughts from the expression of her face "Ah, a lack of experience. Perhaps I shall share some techniques with him." as she continues to drain her keg.
Ohhh, that's good.
Ok. need a sec to go through the Daisy SG interaction.
Ok it reads fine.
We having Cole act like a highschooler with Skathi?
High schooler? I don't remember writing anything like that.
He's pulling on his collar at Skathi's leg? like he wasn't just in a porno parody of the 12 trials?
Oh, that's not meant to be loosening, it's more like he's indicating towards another completely functionless garment that he himself has on.
Like "Yeah, the slit serves no purpose, so does this annoying thing."
That sort of intention.
Hmmm. maybe have him untieing, that's what you mean, right, he's getting it off his neck?
Yes, he hates that thing.
/co/le is untying his collared bow-tie as he responds "I don't know much about fashion, especially these sorts of things" as he indicates to the bow "but my guess is sex appeal."
Skathi's line of the scripts are because se's ignoring SG, right?
You gotta start just copypasting what line you're talking about specifically.
I'm assuming you're talking about this line:
Skathi is still immobile "I find these scripts whimsical, though the director's earlier comment on 'kissing and making up' intrigues me. If the mood allowed, I would gladly take up such a role and your pantheon's inability to interfere with your mortal champion's quests would prevent you from acting against it."
And she is talking directly to SG in it. The "your pantheon" doesn't mean /co/le's pantheon, it means SG's pantheon.
And I think I need to go to bed. I'm very tired today.
Well, it's pretty obvious I'm tired as well, as I' having trouble doing simple shit like that.
Skathi is essentially giving SG the "shit test" right now to see if she's an unsalvageable self-serving deity who will be nothing but a blight upon mankind and the world. She's seen enough of those sorts that she just puts them down where they stand.
Right now she's sort of on the fence about SG.
On one hand, she's weak, lacks influence, and could be easily dealt with. However she's gaining power.
On the other hand, she hasn't done much to anyone, actually accepted the drink after enough prompting instead of blowing up, and is able to carry on a conversation.
Pushing SG's buttons to see how far she'll escalate is what Skathi is doing to her right now to access if she's a bad goddess or not.
Maybe change it up, just reads more as Skathi speaking the plot, than naturally getting under SGs skin.
There's no easy way to write Skathi as being subtle.
And seeing how SG is currently all up in Skathi's abs trying to shove her away, I think Skathi being aggressive/curt with SG is justified.
>Skathi is still immobile
>As SG continues her fruitless attempts to shove Skathi aside, the frost giantess is starting to look annoyed with her.
help in anyway?
She doesn't need to be subtle, it's just the sentences are disjointed and seemingly unrelated if she's talking to the same person. The "Whimsical scripts" Doesn't mesh with the next line.
Maybe have her goading, like "What's wrong with having fun with a fellow actor? Not like you can do anything to keep him away from me"
Or make it obvious she's trying something, like she only flicks her eyes at SG before smirking and saying "You know, your director said we should kiss and make up. I was hoping we'd get to that."
And Cole, seeing the seething SG "Uh, you should probably tone it down."
"What for? It isn't like she can do anything to make you stop."
So something like...?
As SG continues her fruitless attempts to shove Skathi aside, the frost giantess is starting to look annoyed with her. She looks down at SG then back to /co/le and says "That director, he said we should 'kiss and make up'. I am thinking that I will accept that offer."
/co/le is standing at a safe distance as he replies "You know that's just a figure of speech, right?"
Skathi replies slyly "Of course. However, it is not but a role we would play." She looks back down at SG who is still angrily pushing against her abs "And as the rules of your goddess' pantheon dictate, she would be unable to interfere with the performance."
I really hope this doesn't post twice. The site is being buggy for me.
It's more coherent. But probably switch up SG's reply to "Maybe not for him."
Insert shadow fuckery here
"But you're not protected, you BITCH!"
"Then I'll just have to stop you before that."
With this, Skathi finally finds herself in motion, being raised up by a large shadow hand and then slammed back down to the ground under it. SG is hair-standing-on-end mad as shadows dance around her forming a dark halo looking apparatus while shadow-y balls of power collect in her hands.
Skathi is pinned to the floor at SG's feet as she tells the Norse goddess "You're not playing a role right now, are you?! So you're fair game!"
Loopholes within loopholes within loopholes. Skathi is a goddess, therefore SG can attack her at full power, but only if she feels her champion is threatened directly by her. But SG can't attack Skathi if she's playing a role in one of /co/le's "quests", but at this exact moment, she isn't playing a role in a "quest" since the script for the scene Skathi speaks of hasn't even been written.
It could go in a circle like this forever, a pure, infertile circle.
Oh! Ok. It's abit more specific than I realized. My bad.
That works fine, then.
The Fights fine, so Probably need some change on 696's exposition.
Maybe update it to explain why she didn't fight her immediately.
Yeah, we need to change the lines that we moved up to earlier.
/co/le: "Oh crap."
Six-Nine-Six appears with his hands in his pockets and elbows /co/le a couple times "Aren't you the lady's man."
/co/le: "How far are they going to take this?"
Six-Nine-Six: "Deities and the like are often at their mercy of their own egos. So until one of them feels like calling it quits or dies."
/co/le: "Wait, won't Skathi use up her power before then?"
Six-Nine-Six: "Different pantheon, different rules. We're seeing a living dynamo with her."
/co/le: "And my... goddess... is exploiting loopholes to fight at full power."
Marigold is standing behind them listening in "Meaning we have two unchecked goddesses. This is already out of hand."
Does that get it all across or is it still confusing even with all the context before and after it?
Aside from my confusion with dynamo, looks fine to me, especially after rereading the changed flashback.
Think of her as a perpetual energy machine. Her magic fuels her body and her body fuels her magic.
Jotunn Magic was described to me as being like living dynamos. My interpretation of that is magical power can be converted to bodily energy and bodily metabolism can be converted into magical energy.
Do you have a word you feel would fit better?
Something that might need to be amended at some point is adding "Faith" to this category since champions and the like were not so clearly defined when it was collected.
And this is more me being extra sure: We're talking about Skathi, right?
Dynamo is kinda THE word to use, so I'd leave it.
Yes, we're talking about Skathi.
So we're going with that exchange?
Sure, outside of a "What do we do?"
That's already covered in the lines right after those
Switching the point of view around, we see what they're looking at: a studio set with shadows flying around as a giant blue lady in a torn up evening dress with an ice axe hacks through them while working her way to the smaller lady controlling them.
Marigold: "Mr. Cole, can't you do something about this?"
/co/le replies softly "Like what?"
Hmmm, I'd say change Cole's one liner
"See that?" pointing at SG, still drooling, "That's sex appeal."
Maybe it should be "That's the purpose of sex appeal." or "the effect of" to fit better with the conversation they were having before.
Yeah that's what I mean. Hit send before proofreading.
Woof, we're at the real problem area now.
Yes, the part that you have most been looking forward to revisiting.
Time to find out how much of this needs to be rewritten.
might wanna pack it in for tonight, mate. Gonna disect this thing tonight.
Take your time. I'd rather we do this in a way we feel satisfied with then try to rush through it.
Ok, so the first thing I'd change is the transition. What was the intent of doing it? To get SG to calm down?