/baw/ - General Discussion

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TeethandHunger's Monster Recipes And Cooking Videos Anonymous
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AKA: Cooking With Hunger!
In an effort to become more involved with this website I'm going to try actually make a cooking thread.
Like the Lets play thread on /cog/ (not as entertaning, I know) this is a thread for showing recipes and videos that we like. Especially the youtube cooking videos. What/who to trust. What recipes make just fire not food. Stuff like that.
And requests for recipes too.
Here are two channels to start off.

Cooking With Dog:

Alton Brown's Youtube (not Food networks)Channel:

I'll try to not let this be another wasted thread. Stay hungry friends.
If anyone hasn't seen them yet, all 6 episodes of How to cook like Heston are on Youtube. He's giving some really great basic tips, based on his research, and even dials it back a bit with his crazy recipes, so you can do most of them at home.
//youtube.com/watch?v=03h5T_tiyx0youtube thumb
//youtube.com/watch?v=3gbgSCV9hbMyoutube thumb
//youtube.com/watch?v=ovr1yXqIX8Qyoutube thumb
//youtube.com/watch?v=XAZGQql9Dh4youtube thumb
//youtube.com/watch?v=6jjvJS6c3coyoutube thumb
//youtube.com/watch?v=F-VsLRVemzkyoutube thumb
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>I'm going to try actually make a cooking thread.
What should I do with my last Rolo, guys?
Put it in ice cream or banana yoghurt? Or a cake, if you're going to have one.

Also, reminder that peanut butter banana sandwiches are a great use of extra hot dog buns.
And that you can just mash up bananas with creamy stuff and nuts and other fruits and it'll be great.
Ask a professional (almost [kinda]) chef anything.

I got a super nice cast iron skillet as a wedding present that I'll be making a project of seasoning tomorrow, and I'll also be making some homemade sea salt caramels.
Oh I guess I'll detail the caramel making process tomorrow, Let's Play-style.
What's the most difficult dish you've attempted? How'd it turn out?
Slowpoke, Who Plays A Chef On TV
Your fortune: Outlook good

Hm, the only dishes I've truly absolutely failed on were
>homemade cheese, without cheesecloth
Actually wasn't a disaster, just wasn't cheese. Basically curds and whey. Kinda cottage-cheese-y. Didn't taste bad at all, just looked grody and wasn't at all what I wanted to make.
>chicken piccata with seared/caramelized lemon juice
I was like 15 when I tried to do this. Waaaaay too much lemon, did not account for searing the lemons making the flavor concentrated. Inedible. Possibly caused permanent enamel damage from the overwhelming acidity.
>there was a third when I started typing, can't remember it now
Oh well.

On a whole, I don't find cooking to be difficult. There's tons of room for screwing up and still having it be delicious in most cases. I suppose dishes that involve cooking sugar are the "hardest" because if you blink at the wrong time, it's 310 degrees when you were supposed to stop it at 306 and now it has a burnt flavor that you'll never be able to get rid of, just start over.
That said, cooking with sugar is one of my favorite things. I've always said that if I opened my own place, it'd be a confectionary. I'm good at it.
Cooking With Slowpoke™
Your fortune: Godly Luck

Welcome to Cooking With Slowpoke! I'm your host, Cooking With Slowpoke!

Alright. After several minutes of frustrated cutting, I've got an 8x8 pan perfectly and seamlessly lined with parchment paper. Small pan in the back has 1/2 stick of butter, a cup of heavy cream, and a couple teaspoons of soy sauce. Big one up front has 1 1/2 cups of sugar, 1/4 cup each of corn syrup and water, and 1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar. The cream is only on an eye to melt the butter, I don't want anything cooking.

Keep in mind, while I'm taking inspiration from multiple recipes, I'm gonna be making this up as I go, I should be just as surprised with the end result as y'all.

(Edit: apparently my phone's pictures are too big. I'll go ahead and past this, but then make all of the rest of the posts later once I can resize stuff and not have to babysit this pan)
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Plenty of recipes I saw omitted it, but if there's anything I know about cooking with sugar, it's that the cream of tartar is crucial to making sure the texture doesn't get all kinds of jacked up. Don't omit it.
The soy sauce is just to add complexity, to make people go "ooh that's good, what is that?" But don't tell them what it is. No one wants to eat soy sauce caramel.
I'd have really loved to put some cayenne in here, but my wife is really sensitive to spice, and since I'm not just making these for me, I made that sacrifice.
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Put a little bit more water than I said in the starting post into the sugar pot (maybe a little over 1/3 cup total) and bring it up to a boil on medium. Let it boil away until the bubbles start stacking up like this, then get out your thermometer and drop it in.
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250 degrees. This is the temperature that most recipes said to add the cream at. Personally, that doesn't look like caramel to me, it looks like sugar water. Personally, I want my sugar to be a little bit burnt, because that's what caramel is. I let it keep cooking.
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300+ degrees. It actually ended up being about 315, because after I took this picture, I kissed my wife bye as she left for work again. Remember what I said about blinking and sugar going too far? Mhm. I was slightly concerned that it had gone too far, but I've seen a recipe that called for it to get to like 350 degrees so I decided it would be okay. Went ahead and put the cream/butter/soy sauce in, and...
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It got violent with me. Careful of steam burns, or erupting sugar lava bubbles. I've gotten boiling sugar splashed on my hand before. Don't be like me.
I whisked it together with a silicone whisk, metal would steal heat from the sugar. Once it was all nicely stirred, I put the thermometer back in and let it go back to 250. It was still pretty light for my taste, I like darker caramels, but the time to cook it darker was past, shoulda done that before I added the cream. Pull it at 250-255. No exceptions.
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Pour it into your parchmenty pan, and let it cool for half an hour. At that point, sprinkle it with course salt if you want (I do want), then, ragardless of whether or not you salt it, cool it for another 4-5 hours, moving it to a different spot on the counter every half hour or so.

Then you just cut them, and wrap them in parchment or wax paper. I'd post a picture of that, but mine have only been cooling for an hour or so, so you'll get that later.

Best of luck, /bawck/ (y)

(also if you guys liked this, I do cook fun stuff pretty regular, I can do something like this a few times a week?)
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Gud job 'poke. I'd love to see you cook more for us. I'm also tempted to post some of my recipes. This is shaping up to be a good thread.
Cooking With Slowpoke™
Your fortune: キタ━━━━━━(゚∀゚)━━━━━━ !!!!

Update: the caramels turned out really soft. Like, "spread out a bit under their own weight on the counter in a 72 degree room" soft. Not sure whether to cook them longer before or after the cream addition to remedy it. Will try adjusting the temps with the next batch and update you guys.
So, this is like a /ck/ general?
Ok then, I'll be doing a lasagna tomorrow for the X-mas dinner with my family.
Wish me luck.
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Success, my first attempt with a lasagna was great, and pretty much it saved Christmas dinner of being insipid and bland like the past two years.
Autonymoose !x4vv0ZYuAo
Fuck, that looks good.
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Here is a batch of spaghetti sauce I made from scratch. I used fresh tomatos too.
....I idea why it turned out orange.
Too much of an orange-colored spice? Are you sure they were tomatoes and not oranges?
.....I...well...Hmmm. I need to look into this.

Also the pan I was using in the picture is Rever ware. Best pots and pans on the market.
The ones from 80's have a copper bottom and have the date on them. I found these at a Good Will type of place. I got lucky. Also a Cast-Iron Skillet, it needs to be cleaned and re-season it.
Dr Goblin
I actually have that a lot with from scratch cooking. A lot of stuff looks different then you're trained to think of by store bought food.

My Tomato Sauce comes out orange.

My Orange Preserves came out golden yellow.

My Peach Preserves came out dark brown.

You're at the very least not doing anything wrong, but I don't know what you'd do differently to get a more red color, if that matters to you.
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The trick to a good tomato sauce is adding tomato paste in addition to the fresh tomatoes. Most modern tomato cultures are so overbred to look plump and juicy that they're mostly water. So the paste, which is just the concentrated pulp not only adds a lot of color but flavor as well.
>My Tomato Sauce comes out orange.
>My Orange Preserves came out golden yellow.
>My Peach Preserves came out dark brown.

Fuckn' nature, man. Make up your damned mind.

>to get a more red color, if that matters to you.
It's just if I use ripe RED tomatoes, I kinda expected a RED sauce.
Nature is ether being weird again or is just being a jerk. Probably the later.

Thanks for the tip. I'll try that out on my next batch.
Made some burritos today. Never had any Mexican food before since I live in Germany and I doubt my attempt was very authentic. But man, did I ever underestimate their nutritional heft. I made three and was barely able to finish one. Those refried beans fill you up real fast.
>I made three and was barely able to finish one.

Agreed. It's a full meal wrapped up in a flour disk.
Beans (refried or other) always seem to stick to your ribs and fill you up.

Don't worry about being authentic, unless your opening a restaurant in Mexico or if someone is about to kill you unless you can make the burritos.
Oh! Have you tried Nachos yet? They're awesome, but a pain to put together. If you do make them don't you DARE just throw the ingredients on top of the chips like at some restaurants like an animal.
Treat each chip gently and with lots of loving care.
And the German guy again. I'm kinda making all kinds of stuff that I saw in American TV shows and general pop culture. Made a sloppy joe today and man those things are SLOPPY. Also made a Juicy Lucy the other day and will never do so again. Burned my mouth and even some bits of my fingers. That shit is molten lava, except it also keeps sticking to the bits it's burning the shit out of.
Curiosity got the better of me after all the videogame memes and I tried some Mountain Dew for the first time. How can anyone possibly enjoy drinking this? Even sugar water is less unbearably sweet.
Caffeine addiction is my guess. I used to drink the stuff all the time in high school; part of my breakfast every single morning was a 24oz of Mountain Dew. I usually had another throughout the day. In college it wasn't as frequent, but it was still a regular thing. (Surprise surprise, I deal with digestion problems these days. I wonder where that came from...) These days if I have more than an ounce or two of the stuff I have bad stomach pain. That's probably undone whatever I liked about the flavor in the past.

Now, Mellow Yellow, that stuff I love. I only have it once a week on average, though, which is probably a reason I haven't overdosed like I did Mt. Dew...
I promised regular /co/ a while back that I'd post this recipe, but I think Teeth&Hunger is as cute as a button, so here's my mother's pizza base recipe:

8 fl. oz. lukewarm water
1 fl. oz. olive oil
1 tsp sugar
½ tsp salt
1 tbsp dried milk powder
1 lb flour
1 sachet of yeast

Put all those in your breadmaker/mixer in that order, then switch it on/mix until the dough is ready. Leave it in a plastic bag containing sunflower oil for 15 minutes to, then knead and roll into 2-3 pizzas, or 1 big ol' calzone, then add toppings. If pizzas, cook for 15 minutes (check often). If a calzone, 20-30 minutes or more (stick a skewer in it every 5 minutes).
I enjoy Mountain Dew, but I don't have soft-drinks often (except at work; local soft-drink factory)
I just like really sweet stuff.
How have your Easter feasts been? Just came back from the family.
We had lamb's heart with red cabbage, potatoes and gravy. It's such a rare treat. Just getting some cow or pig heart is already tough. Finding a butcher who sells lambs' hearts is nigh impossible.
>lambs heart
Huh, what's it like?

>red cabbage
You lucky anon.
It's honestly somewhat chewy, since it's just pure muscle, but the taste more than makes up for it. It's a very pleasant, kinda sweet-ish meat taste.
I've been living in this city for 5 years now and I still can't over the fact how incredibly shitty the farmer's market here is in comparison to the one in my hometown. You don't even have any selection. There's just one potato guy, one fruits guy, one cheese guy, etc.
>fruit guy is sick today. sorry folks, no fruit this week
Pretty much. Which is why the market is so shitty.
Anyone know anything interesting to do with tuna?
Croquettes are yummy, if you mean the canned/pouched stuff
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If your talking fillets, I like 'em panfried with olive oil, sprinkled with ground pepper and very lite garlic powder. Once cooked, cover in lemon juice and dip in tarter sauce.

Or if you're talking canned, you could try this recipe {pictured} I haven't tested yet.
Actually didn't cook today and went out instead. It's been a while since I had a good kebab. That really hit the spot. It's just one of those things that are impossible to emulate at home.
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>got a coupon "Save 25%, if you buy at least €5 worth of meat"
>hey, might as well
>get a bunch of beef for a goulash
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I give to you: Avocado Toast

How to: 1.Toast desired amount of bread slices to golden brown or darker. The type of bread doesn't matter too much, but my favorites are soft sandwich breads and sourdough. 2. Mash up 1 small avocado or 1 half large avocado per bread slice into a texture similar to guacamole. The amount of avocados isn't an exact science, you just need enough avocado to spread on top of the toast. 3. Season mashed avocados with salt & pepper to taste. If you don't know what your tasting for, just use 2 small dashes of salt and 3 dashes ground black pepper per avocado/half-avocado. 4. Once the bread is done toasting, spread a layer of mayonnaise on the toast. A light spread is all you need, but the more 'guacamole' you use, the more mayo should be spread. A good ratio is 1:3 :: Mayo:Avocado. 5. Spread mashed avocados on top of mayo. Optional 6. Pepper it again.

Makes a good breakfast or lunch. Bon Appétit
Kitchen Nightmares wasn't lying. It really does take A LOT for a bellpepper to get rancid.
Trying to change my diet. I think I'm gonna have a weekly nuts and berries day, where that's the only thing I eat. Maybe see if I can expand that to like 3-4 days a week over time and then do my exercise on the days where I indulge myself with red meat. I just can't quit steak and bacon completely. It's too good. So this might be a good workaround.
Yeah, I did a weekday vegetarian thing for a while. It actually wasn't too bad. The biggest difficulty was in finding variety throughout the week since most restaurants don't have a lot of good, filling vegetarian options. I ended up eating a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

But I started a vegetable garden at home recently and I think if I manage to get it growing well enough I might try again on the weekday vegetarian thing once I have lots of fresh produce to work with.
For PBJ sandwiches, I recommend using whole wheat bread, replacing the jelly with raw local honey, and sprinkling in a few oats for texture. Tasty, relatively healthy, and filling. Especially when you cut out bleached flower and processed sugar.
Yeah, I always used wheat bread. To be honest it's not even a health thing, I just think wheat bread tastes better than white bread. Haven't tried honey and oats though. Might be worth looking into.
I feel like every yeast dough recipe always adds way too much water. Every single recipe I've tried has the dough sticky as fuck and I need like 1.5x the flour that's in the recipe. Why not forego the whole "add flour until it's no longer sticky" that's always in those recipes and just use the correct amount in the first place?
Because it can vary depending on your environment (like your humidity levels).
Like >>399019 said, baking has a TON of variables. Room temperature, exact water temperature, dissolved solids content in the water, humidity, altitude, whether the groundhog sees his shadow, etc. That's why no baking recipe can ever be exact, and if you find one that's pretending to be exact, it's lying to you.
I hate baking.
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Made a pizza loosely after this recipe: http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/member-recipes/recipe-detail/4539/
It turned out pretty good.
Yo, shrimp chips are pretty dang good actually
Bought 4 pounds of dürüm flatbread today. Not sure what I'm gonna do with it all, but I saw it at the market and thought it would be a neat thing to have. Shawarma will definitely be had with some of it, though.
Brewing doublemint tisane worked out well, it's nice and strong smelling even when diluted with tea.
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On time when I was younger, I tried making Pine Lime Splice drink by mixing pineapple lime cordial with milk.

It went as well as you'd think. Pic somewhat related.
I'm told that I'm very good at mixing slaw.
All I do is take one or two bags of coleslaw veggie mix from the grocery store along with half a container of slaw dressing per bag,cracked black pepper, celery salt, and any form of vinegar I can get my hands on: Salad or malt, or the stuff in pickle or sweet pepper jars, even a tiny bit of apple vinegar though I prefer not to use more than a cap-full or so of it.

Mix veggie and dressing, put on enough salad or malt vinegar to help stir it along with a bit of celery seed and black pepper to start, then mix well making sure to turn it over a few times and add things to taste. Other than that, just don't stir too much or it'll put air bubbles in it.
I was about to make a shitpost about coleslaw being really basic and gay, but I take it back. That actually sounds really nice and I want some.
So, my mom makes a lot of rolled cookies, and got many of her recipies form Land-o-Lakes, which sent recipies reccomending unsalted butter. She used regular butter isntead, and her cookies turned out great, so she stuck with until this year when the groceries were out of regular and only had unsalted.

Going with the actual recipe's reccomended butter type this year, her cookies actually came out sligthly blander and less criply baked than usual, which we see as bad, though the latter might be the oven having something odd about it since the raspberry bars's filling was also runnier. Then again, she also couldn't find raspberry and had to go with blackberry instead, and also went with store brand rather than Smuckers and McCormick. The softer jelly in the bars is actually very nice to eat but lets the pieces fall apart a bit too easily.
Shawarma is the best fast food. Not even close.
Boiled a carrot, froze it, put it through the Yonanas machine I got earlier. Iit also works to use a food proccessor, and there's another device with similar function that I saw in a catalog once. Added ginger, nutmeg, other spices, a small splash of milk. Stirred. Makes about half a bowl per carrot. Tastes nice, a bit like pumpkin pie according to my mom.
When Australians come back from London, we all ask the same thing: why don't we have Pret-a-Manger?

Oportos is alright, Nandos is great.
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It's not wrong to add olive oil to noodles to add mono-fats, is it?

I want to try this on day.

I add olive oil to the water when boiling spaghetti, so I don't see a problem with it.
You mean morally, or gastronomically?
To noodle soups? I see no problem. If you add oil to plain pasta however it's gonna make the sauce not stick to them leaving most of it on the plate and effectly splitting your meal in two steps of eating the plain pasta and then lapping up the sauce you were supposed to eat with the noodles. Which is totally fine, if that's a thing you wanna do.
I might enjoy garlic way too much. My peers are the ones suffering under my addiction.
I need more garlic. I know a kid at highschool who believes in garlic pseudo-science and ate it after brushing teeth before school. You smelt chlorine and mould before you heard him. I think he might have pulled his shit together now.
How to make tofu absorb flavours?
Press the water out (wrap loosely in paper towels, put between two plates, and put some weight [cans, flour/sugar canister] on top, leave it for 15 minutes), then marinate it in whatever.

Try 2 tbsp hoisin + 2 tbsp vinegar (uuuh mirin is traditional but I think apple cider tastes better here) + 2 tbsp soy sauce + 1 tbsp sugar + 1 huge or 2 small cloves of garlic, minced + teaspoon of red pepper flake. Homemade General Tso's sauce that tastes exactly like the restaurants.
Sweet, I'll try it out!

I didn't think to press out the water/juice, so that's probably the main reason it tasted unusually bland last time.
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>tfw the oranges you bought turn out to have more gross white stuff than actual flesh
>tfw several of your friends have birthdays on the same month
like, I only have so many safe days, fuck.
Whoops meant to post that in the SYM.
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My mom brought me two giant planters with herbs from her garden for my balcony. Can't wait to start cooking like some fancy Italian. Already made a big ol' pot of tomato sauce to put in my freezer and use as base for all sorts of stuff.
Nice. Got oregano?
I've got oregano, basil, rosemary, sage, two types of thyme, burnet, garlic chives and watercress.
Moostor Twoostor
Parsley >>>>>>> everything else.
… this thread is getting a surprising amount of spam for some reason.
Any idea why this thread in particular?
Black Hand ## Developer
I haven't the foggiest idea, and no referers seem to point to the thread either.
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Anchoring thread unless Black Hand says otherwise. This thread is cursed!
Your fortune: Good news will come to you by mail

Unanchoring due to good behavior.
So it stopped getting spammed by bots?

I watch Binging with Babish or 18th Century Cooking videos while eating, are they thread related?

SYM = "Speak Your Mind" general thread.
Not many people get a response back from a 4 year old post ;)
That wasn't the post I was mainly asking about.

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1680211299.795855 - 0.003389 (0.000008s): KOBAK BBS: validating thread

1680211299.795889 - 0.003423 (0.000034s): kobak\thread: query: start

1680211299.795894 - 0.003428 (0.000005s): kobak\thread: query: thread mode set, calling posts query.

1680211299.795907 - 0.003441 (0.000013s): kobak\post: query: querying posts

1680211299.798850 - 0.006384 (0.002943s): kobak\post: query: constructing new post objects

1680211299.800349 - 0.007883 (0.001499s): kobak\post: query: starting lookups for thread locked statuses

1680211299.800388 - 0.007922 (0.000039s): kobak\post: query: setting up references/backlinks

1680211299.800493 - 0.008027 (0.000105s): kobak\post: get_posts: applying quote backlinks to posts

1680211299.800804 - 0.008338 (0.000311s): kobak\post: query: finished.

1680211299.800812 - 0.008346 (0.000008s): kobak\thread: query: posts queried, setting up thread object.

1680211299.800831 - 0.008365 (0.000019s): kobak\thread: query: finished.

1680211299.800893 - 0.008427 (0.000062s): kobak\plugins: finished running 1 actions for hook "validation"

1680211299.800946 - 0.008480 (0.000053s): kobak\current: Template file found

1680211299.800950 - 0.008484 (0.000004s): kobak\current: setting up HTML vars

1680211299.800955 - 0.008489 (0.000005s): kobak\html: setting up new instance

1680211299.800978 - 0.008512 (0.000023s): kobak\html: finished setup

1680211299.800982 - 0.008516 (0.000004s): kobak\current: setting up per-page HTML vars

1680211299.800991 - 0.008525 (0.000009s): kobak\plugins: checking actions for hook "setup_html"

1680211299.801117 - 0.008651 (0.000126s): kobak\plugins: finished running 4 actions for hook "setup_html"

1680211299.801121 - 0.008655 (0.000004s): kobak\current: finished setting up all HTML vars

1680211299.801123 - 0.008657 (0.000002s): start rendering html

1680211299.801178 - 0.008712 (0.000055s): loading thread

1680211299.801207 - 0.008741 (0.000029s): called header.php

1680211299.801214 - 0.008748 (0.000007s): kobak\plugins: checking actions for hook "header_meta"

1680211299.801276 - 0.008810 (0.000062s): kobak\plugins: finished running 5 actions for hook "header_meta"

1680211299.801374 - 0.008908 (0.000098s): kobak\cache: loading cache file: kobak_banners

1680211299.801382 - 0.008916 (0.000008s): kobak\cache: checking cache file: kobak_banners

1680211299.801704 - 0.009238 (0.000322s): rendering thread 395429

1680211299.801710 - 0.009244 (0.000006s): rendering reply 395429

1680211299.801768 - 0.009302 (0.000058s): kobak\kmedia: setting up new instance

1680211299.801771 - 0.009305 (0.000003s): kobak\kmedia: finished setup

1680211299.801803 - 0.009337 (0.000032s): rendering reply 395430

1680211299.801822 - 0.009356 (0.000019s): rendering reply 395438

1680211299.801853 - 0.009387 (0.000031s): rendering reply 395446

1680211299.801882 - 0.009416 (0.000029s): rendering reply 395489

1680211299.801896 - 0.009430 (0.000014s): rendering reply 395491

1680211299.801914 - 0.009448 (0.000018s): rendering reply 395492

1680211299.801926 - 0.009460 (0.000012s): rendering reply 395494

1680211299.801939 - 0.009473 (0.000013s): rendering reply 395497

1680211299.801954 - 0.009488 (0.000015s): rendering reply 395509

1680211299.801967 - 0.009501 (0.000013s): rendering reply 395510

1680211299.801992 - 0.009526 (0.000025s): rendering reply 395512

1680211299.802026 - 0.009560 (0.000034s): rendering reply 395513

1680211299.802055 - 0.009589 (0.000029s): rendering reply 395514

1680211299.802079 - 0.009613 (0.000024s): rendering reply 395515

1680211299.802113 - 0.009647 (0.000034s): rendering reply 395516

1680211299.802138 - 0.009672 (0.000025s): rendering reply 395518

1680211299.802164 - 0.009698 (0.000026s): rendering reply 395519

1680211299.802196 - 0.009730 (0.000032s): rendering reply 395521

1680211299.802219 - 0.009753 (0.000023s): rendering reply 395549

1680211299.802236 - 0.009770 (0.000017s): rendering reply 395587

1680211299.802274 - 0.009808 (0.000038s): rendering reply 395594

1680211299.802291 - 0.009825 (0.000017s): rendering reply 395650

1680211299.802305 - 0.009839 (0.000014s): rendering reply 396020

1680211299.802335 - 0.009869 (0.000030s): rendering reply 396024

1680211299.802352 - 0.009886 (0.000017s): rendering reply 396147

1680211299.802371 - 0.009905 (0.000019s): rendering reply 396194

1680211299.802394 - 0.009928 (0.000023s): rendering reply 396195

1680211299.802421 - 0.009955 (0.000027s): rendering reply 396238

1680211299.802438 - 0.009972 (0.000017s): rendering reply 396250

1680211299.802452 - 0.009986 (0.000014s): rendering reply 396272

1680211299.802467 - 0.010001 (0.000015s): rendering reply 396734

1680211299.802480 - 0.010014 (0.000013s): rendering reply 396850

1680211299.802497 - 0.010031 (0.000017s): rendering reply 396855

1680211299.802521 - 0.010055 (0.000024s): rendering reply 396988

1680211299.802540 - 0.010074 (0.000019s): rendering reply 397039

1680211299.802553 - 0.010087 (0.000013s): rendering reply 397320

1680211299.802568 - 0.010102 (0.000015s): rendering reply 397321

1680211299.802581 - 0.010115 (0.000013s): rendering reply 397322

1680211299.802594 - 0.010128 (0.000013s): rendering reply 397668

1680211299.802609 - 0.010143 (0.000015s): rendering reply 397672

1680211299.802622 - 0.010156 (0.000013s): rendering reply 397673

1680211299.802640 - 0.010174 (0.000018s): rendering reply 398219

1680211299.802655 - 0.010189 (0.000015s): rendering reply 398220

1680211299.802668 - 0.010202 (0.000013s): rendering reply 398221

1680211299.802705 - 0.010239 (0.000037s): rendering reply 398311

1680211299.802724 - 0.010258 (0.000019s): rendering reply 398331

1680211299.802757 - 0.010291 (0.000033s): rendering reply 398452

1680211299.802786 - 0.010320 (0.000029s): rendering reply 398558

1680211299.802801 - 0.010335 (0.000015s): rendering reply 398790

1680211299.802828 - 0.010362 (0.000027s): rendering reply 398813

1680211299.802876 - 0.010410 (0.000048s): rendering reply 398816

1680211299.802911 - 0.010445 (0.000035s): rendering reply 398817

1680211299.802931 - 0.010465 (0.000020s): rendering reply 399018

1680211299.802957 - 0.010491 (0.000026s): rendering reply 399019

1680211299.802980 - 0.010514 (0.000023s): rendering reply 399021

1680211299.803011 - 0.010545 (0.000031s): rendering reply 399052

1680211299.803064 - 0.010598 (0.000053s): rendering reply 399109

1680211299.803087 - 0.010621 (0.000023s): rendering reply 399130

1680211299.803104 - 0.010638 (0.000017s): rendering reply 399142

1680211299.803125 - 0.010659 (0.000021s): rendering reply 399200

1680211299.803161 - 0.010695 (0.000036s): rendering reply 399261

1680211299.803188 - 0.010722 (0.000027s): rendering reply 399264

1680211299.803206 - 0.010740 (0.000018s): rendering reply 403468

1680211299.803229 - 0.010763 (0.000023s): rendering reply 404184

1680211299.803249 - 0.010783 (0.000020s): rendering reply 404783

1680211299.803268 - 0.010802 (0.000019s): rendering reply 404786

1680211299.803292 - 0.010826 (0.000024s): rendering reply 404790

1680211299.803328 - 0.010862 (0.000036s): rendering reply 404813

1680211299.803350 - 0.010884 (0.000022s): rendering reply 404914

1680211299.803367 - 0.010901 (0.000017s): rendering reply 404954

1680211299.803384 - 0.010918 (0.000017s): rendering reply 405577

1680211299.806001 - 0.013535 (0.002617s): rendering reply 406114

1680211299.806050 - 0.013584 (0.000049s): rendering reply 406115

1680211299.806065 - 0.013599 (0.000015s): rendering reply 406118

1680211299.806084 - 0.013618 (0.000019s): rendering reply 406119

1680211299.806098 - 0.013632 (0.000014s): rendering reply 407423

1680211299.806141 - 0.013675 (0.000043s): rendering reply 407424

1680211299.806158 - 0.013692 (0.000017s): rendering reply 407443

1680211299.806171 - 0.013705 (0.000013s): rendering reply 407738

1680211299.806203 - 0.013737 (0.000032s): rendering reply 407739

1680211299.806226 - 0.013760 (0.000023s): rendering reply 407741

1680211299.806245 - 0.013779 (0.000019s): rendering reply 419573

1680211299.806261 - 0.013795 (0.000016s): rendering reply 419574

1680211299.806275 - 0.013809 (0.000014s): rendering reply 419652

1680211299.806292 - 0.013826 (0.000017s): rendering reply 419670

1680211299.806311 - 0.013845 (0.000019s): rendering reply 419671

1680211299.806339 - 0.013873 (0.000028s): rendering reply 419757

1680211299.806380 - 0.013914 (0.000041s): rendering reply 421070

1680211299.806397 - 0.013931 (0.000017s): rendering reply 421515

1680211299.806410 - 0.013944 (0.000013s): rendering reply 421516

1680211299.806425 - 0.013959 (0.000015s): rendering reply 421535

1680211299.806438 - 0.013972 (0.000013s): rendering reply 421537

1680211299.806531 - 0.014065 (0.000093s): called footer.php

1680211299.806899 - 0.014433 (0.000368s): kobak\plugins: checking actions for hook "footer_meta"

1680211299.806974 - 0.014508 (0.000075s): kobak\plugins: finished running 8 actions for hook "footer_meta"

1680211299.806976 - 0.014510 (0.000002s): completed rendering most of the html

1680211299.807010 - 0.014544 (0.000034s): starting debug

1680211299.807357 - 0.014891 (0.000347s): starting debug_t

1680211299.80799600: end

SQL statistics:

time taken: 0.00103402 SELECT *, ( SELECT GROUP_CONCAT(DISTINCT `kobaboardban`.`boardid` ORDER BY `kobaboardban`.`boardid` SEPARATOR ',') FROM `kobaboardban` WHERE `banid` = `id` GROUP BY `banid` ) AS `active_boards` FROM `kobaban` WHERE ( (`iplong1` = '2cc8ab9c') OR (`iplong1` <= '2cc8ab9c' AND '2cc8ab9c' <= `iplong2`) ) AND `type` IN(-1,0,1,2,3) AND (`id` IN ( SELECT `banid` FROM `kobaboardban` WHERE `boardid` IN(1) ) OR `global` = 1) ORDER BY `type`,`expiration` DESC no rows found or affected (prepared query)
time taken: 0.00290108 SELECT p.*, r.time r_time, r.reason r_reason, r.ipmd5 r_ipmd5, r.ipcrypt r_ipcrypt, r.password r_password, r.userid r_userid, s.total_posts, s.total_files, s.total_image, s.total_audio, s.total_video, s.total_swf, s.unique_ip, s.unique_user FROM `kobapost` p LEFT JOIN `kobareport` r on p.boardid = r.boardid and p.postid = r.postid LEFT JOIN `kobapoststats` s on p.boardid = s.boardid and p.postid = s.threadid WHERE p.`boardid` = '1' AND p.`postid` = '395429' AND `parentid` = '0' AND `deleted` = '0' UNION ALL SELECT p.*, r.time r_time, r.reason r_reason, r.ipmd5 r_ipmd5, r.ipcrypt r_ipcrypt, r.password r_password, r.userid r_userid, null as total_posts, null as total_files, null as total_image, null as total_audio, null as total_video, null as total_swf, null as unique_ip, null as unique_user FROM `kobapost` p LEFT JOIN `kobareport` r on p.boardid = r.boardid and p.postid = r.postid WHERE p.`boardid` = '1' AND `parentid` = '395429' AND `deleted` = '0' ORDER BY `parentid`,`postid` no error (prepared query)


before_validation actions: 1 start: 1680211299.79369700 end: 1680211299.79371100 took (total): 0.000014
footer_meta actions: 8 start: 1680211299.80690300 end: 1680211299.80697000 took (total): 0.000067
header_meta actions: 5 start: 1680211299.80121700 end: 1680211299.80127400 took (total): 0.000057
setup_html actions: 4 start: 1680211299.80100000 end: 1680211299.80111300 took (total): 0.000113
validation actions: 1 start: 1680211299.79373400 end: 1680211299.80088400 took (total): 0.007150

Rewrite/redirect rules:

Redirect /^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/0.html(?:\?.*)?$/ $matches[1]\/ 302
Redirect /^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/1.html(?:\?.*)?$/ $matches[1]\/ 302
Rewrite: /^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/(\d\w*)s.png$/ /$matches[1]/thumbs/$matches[2]s.png
Rewrite: /^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/?(?:\?.*)?$/ index.php?section=index&board=$matches[1]
Rewrite: /^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/([0-9]*)\.html(?:\?.*)?$/ index.php?section=index&board=$matches[1]&pagenumber=$matches[2]
Rewrite: /^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/catalog\.html(?:\?.*)?$/ index.php?section=catalog&board=$matches[1]
Rewrite: /^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/t([0-9]*)\.(html|json|rss)(?:\?.*)?$/ index.php?section=thread&board=$matches[1]&thread=$matches[2]&ext=$matches[3]
Rewrite: /^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/posts_feed\.rss$/ index.php?section=posts_feed&board=$matches[1]&ext=rss
Rewrite: /^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/threads_feed\.rss$/ index.php?section=threads_feed&board=$matches[1]&ext=rss
Rewrite: /^latest_posts\.rss$/ index.php?section=latest_posts&ext=rss
Rewrite: /^latest_threads\.rss$/ index.php?section=latest_threads&ext=rss
Rewrite: /^latest_nsfw_posts\.rss$/ index.php?section=latest_nsfw_posts&ext=rss
Rewrite: /^latest_nsfw_threads\.rss$/ index.php?section=latest_nsfw_threads&ext=rss

rules in htaccess format:

RewriteRule ^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/0.html(?:\?.*)?$ $1/ [R=302,L,QSA] RewriteRule ^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/1.html(?:\?.*)?$ $1/ [R=302,L,QSA] RewriteRule ^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/(\d\w*)s.png$ /$1/thumbs/$2s.png [L,QSA] RewriteRule ^([a-z_\-0-9]*)/(?:\?.*)?$ index.php?section=index&board=$1 [L,QSA] RewriteRule ^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/([0-9]*)\.html(?:\?.*)?$ index.php?section=index&board=$1&pagenumber=$2 [L,QSA] RewriteRule ^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/catalog\.html(?:\?.*)?$ index.php?section=catalog&board=$1 [L,QSA] RewriteRule ^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/t([0-9]*)\.(html|json|rss)(?:\?.*)?$ index.php?section=thread&board=$1&thread=$2&ext=$3 [L,QSA] RewriteRule ^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/posts_feed\.rss$ index.php?section=posts_feed&board=$1&ext=rss [L,QSA] RewriteRule ^([a-z_\-0-9]*)\/threads_feed\.rss$ index.php?section=threads_feed&board=$1&ext=rss [L,QSA] RewriteRule ^latest_posts\.rss$ index.php?section=latest_posts&ext=rss [L,QSA] RewriteRule ^latest_threads\.rss$ index.php?section=latest_threads&ext=rss [L,QSA] RewriteRule ^latest_nsfw_posts\.rss$ index.php?section=latest_nsfw_posts&ext=rss [L,QSA] RewriteRule ^latest_nsfw_threads\.rss$ index.php?section=latest_nsfw_threads&ext=rss [L,QSA]

Current time:

2023-03-30 14:21:39