/mtv/ - Music, Television & Film

>>418223
Please die soon, you old fuck.

John Barleycorn Must Die [United Artists, 1971]
So that Vince Guaraldi can live on? C

Foreigner [Atlantic, 1977]
You've heard of Beatlemania? I propose xenophobia. C

>>418223
I don't even know what the fuck he's saying in most of his reviews. His taste is pretty shit too. Happy Birthday to him anyways.

>>418241
>I don't even know what the fuck he's saying in most of his reviews.
Took a quick look at some of his reviews. As professional critics go, he doesn't seem that challenging. What's causing you to bounce off him?

Lou Reed Live: Take No Prisoners [Arista, 1978]
Because your humble servant is attacked by name on what is ostensibly a comedy record, some colleagues have rushed in with Don Rickles analogies but the real analogy is Lenny Bruce. Thing is, I don't play my comedy records, not even my real Lenny Bruce ones, as much as I do Rock 'n Roll Animal. There are several Lou Reed concerts I'd love to check out again such as The Palladium 11/6/76 and Bottom Line 5/11/77 but this isn't either of those, I'm sorry. And I'd like to thank Lou for pronouncing my name right. C+

>>418245
>Robert Christgau, is he a toe fucker?

>>418246
Bit ironic coming from Lou "shiny boots of leather" Reed.

>"Baroque Rock: A study by Robert Christgau." Start studying rock-and-roll? I can't believe it. I don't even read the fucking liner notes.

Pyromania [Mercury, 1983]
Fuckin' right new heavy metal is different from old heavy metal. The new stuff is about five silly beats faster. And the "new" metal singers all sound free, white, and roughly twenty-one. C

>>418249
what does any of this even mean?

>>418250
What's confusing you?

I am so glad James Chance punched his teeth in.

Thriller [Epic, 1982]
This is virtually a hits-plus-filler job, but at such a high level it's almost classic anyway, with the three Michael-composed songs on top. "Beat It," in which Eddie Van Halen wends his might in the service of antimacho, is the triumph and the thriller. But while I'm for anything that will get interracial love on the radio, playing buddies with Paul McCartney is Michael's worst idea since "Ben," and I expect to bear more of "Wanna Be Startin' Something" and "Thriller" on the dancefloor than in my living room. A-

>>418254
>LOL PAUL MCCARTNEY SUCKS XD

>>418254
The Girl is Mine would be an ok ballad if you erased Paul from it.

Brothers In Arms [Warner Bros., 1985]
"Money For Nothing" is a catchy sumbitch, there's no getting around it, and side one moves with a simple generosity not often associated with this studio guitarist's ego trip. We know Mark Knopfler's working class antihero is a thicky because he talks like Randy Newman and uses the same word for homosexuals that old bluesmen used, a word that, by the way, Knopfler has somehow snuck onto the radio with absolutely no static from the PMRC. But it's too late for the old bluesboy to suck us in with his ruminations on the perfidy of woman and the futility of political struggle, and "Money For Nothing" is also a benchmark of pop hypocrisy. I mean, why "See that little faggot with the earring?" Why not "See that little nigger with the spitcurl" instead? Mark? And while we're at it, just how the hell did you get on MTV? By spelling its name right? C

Reminder that this dude's wife cheated on him multiple times and he just accepted it. He's the most pathetic man to ever live.

Slippery When Wet [Mercury, 1986]
Sure, seven million teenagers could be wrong but their success does carry with it a documentary certainty. What it does prove is that youth rebellion has become so toothless that it can be simulated and marketed. But then who the hell thought youth is dangerous in the current climate anyway? Would you prefer the band market patriotism instead? And are you really immune to "Livin' On A Prayer?" B-

>>418264
>And are you really immune to "Livin' On A Prayer?"
Yes.

Red Rose Speedway [Apple, 1973]
Having decided rock-and-roll was fun, a good enough idea within reason, he then determined that fun consisted not so much of energy and sex and high spirits as it did aimless whimsy and here he finally achieves disaster with that idea. The worst album yet made by a rock-and-roller of the first rank, unless David Crosby counts. D+

>>418266
>LOL PAUL SUCKS XD

>>418254
>getting filtered by Ben

does this dude even like music at all?

>>418269
Only Chuck Berry and the New York Dolls.

i'm still completely baffled by his review of In Utero and can't decipher it to save my life

Going For The One [Atlantic, 1977]
The title cut may be their best song ever, challenging a formula that even apologists are apologizing for by now with cutting hard rock guitar and lyrics in which Jon Anderson casts aspersions on his own "cosmic mind." But even there you wish you could erase Rick Wakeman and elsewhere Steve Howe has almost as little to say. C+

>>418272
I don't mind the synth, it adds extra texture to the song.

>>418263
guy's a total loser who married a bisexual feminist slut because he couldn't do any better

>Contortions frontman James Chance got into a physical confrontation with Christgau during a performance at Artists Space in Soho on May 5, 1978. The incident happened when Chance lept offstage and began attacking a female the long-running Village Voice critic was attending the show with. Christgau responded by counter-attacking Chance. The two scuffled for a few minutes. Christgau maintains that he won the fight. "[Chance] is a pretty small guy," he said afterwards.[9]

>>418275
come on, what did he honestly expect? the no wave scene was just pandering to audience tastes during the era of NYC being a broken down violent shithole and those people just wanted bands that played loudly, badly, and attacked the audience.

At San Quentin [Columbia, 1969]
Much weaker than Folsom Prison and Greatest Hits, which is where to start if you're just getting into Cash. Only ten songs, one of which is performed twice. Another was written by Bob Dylan. C+

>>418278
Cash's coke-fueled stage banter was pretty funny.

>>418264
Livin' On A Prayer ruined my Easter dinner at a restaurant yesterday.

>>418282
my deepest condolences anon

Short Stories [Elektra, 1973]
Harry had a problem. He wanted to write a song about a DJ, kind of a follow-up to "Taxi," just to prove it wasn't a fluke. Harry doesn't meet many real people, so cabbies and DJs provide that touch of social realism. He wanted to set the song in Boise, Idaho, not because he had anything to say about Boise, but because "Idaho" rhymed with "late night talk show." Unfortunately, call letters that far west start with K rather than W, which messed up his rhythm. Akron, Ohio? Wrong rhythm again. Denver, Colorado? Nope. So he called it "WOLD" and hoped no one would notice. Note: this analysis is nowhere near as longwinded as Harry's stories. D+

>>418285
wait, that isn't the album "Cat's In The Cradle" was from?

>>418287
Nobody's ever heard any of Chapin's catalog outside that song.

Unliberated Woman [Signature, 1975]
When your jazz-entrepreneur husband buys you Nashville's finest for your 44th birthday, you might be tempted to start thinking unliberation paid itself. C-

>>418289
wait wut

Pipes of Peace [Columbia, 1983]
I've finally figured out what people mean when they call Paulie pop--they mean he's not rock. But to me pop implies a strict sense of received form whether crafted by the dB's or Billy Joel. McCartney's in his own world entirely, which is the charm of his music. And of course, a reliance on charm has always been his weakness. This is quite pleasant except when Britain's number-one earner preaches against violence as if self-interest wasn't an issue, which is also the only time it comes into firm contact with the great outside. B-

>>418298
>Interviewed by Rolling Stone's Kurd Loder in 1982, Pete Townshend had the following exchange:
>Loder: So have you heard Paul McCartney's new album? (Tug of War)
>Townshend: It makes you wonder if Paul ever had anything to do with rock-and-roll. No, he didn't. I get the feeling that if Paul and me were to sit down and have a conversation about rock-and-roll we'd be talking about two entirely different things. I know he's got a couple years on me but his tastes seem so backwards in a lot of ways. He thinks for example that Little Richard is essential rock-and-roll while, y'know, I never though he was that important.

>>418298
Didn't Paul wear a bulletproof vest in public for a while in the early '80s?

Ten [Epic, 1991]
in life abuse begats melodrama. in music riffs work even better. ("Once", "Even Flow") *

>>418303
HEY JEWEMY, HOW WAS KWASS TODAY?

lol Pearl Jam sux amirite?

>>418305
Yes, yes they do.

>>418308
>>418309
idk i was never too cool on that generation of comedians like Bruce, Carlin, Pryor, etc because it was always like they wanted to be edgy on one hand yet on the other they were still half-stuck in corny Bob Hope sensibilities.

Stand Up [Island, 1969]
Ringmaster Ian Anderson has come up with a unique concept that combines the worst of Arthur Brown, Roland Kirk, and your local G.O. blues band. I find his success very depressing. C-

>>418311
I don't think anyone's heard JT outside albums 4 and 5.

>>418278
>Another was written by Bob Dylan.
I don't get it.

>>418314
Back then Dylan covers were an easy, lazy way to pad out an album's run time.

Death Valley '69 [Homestead EP, 1985]
Extended single padded out with Lydia Lunch feature plus pieceashit outtake from their current album. Available in stores that stock such arcana. Suck their dicks (or pussy, such as the case may be). D+

>>418316
man i am so glad Sonic Youth schooled this faggot

>>418298
Paul's entire schtick was really tired and played out by the '80s.

>>418321
Did he even listen to this thing past track 1?

>>418322
Nope. There are ones where he admitted he didn't actually listen to the album and he's just reviewing the cover art.

No Jacket Required [Atlantic, 1984]
For an art rocker turned international pop star of the month, Collins is not nearly as hateable as he might be. In fact he's not hateable at all between his self-deprecating music videos and good taste in business associates (better, say, Philip Bailey than Steve Perry). But it's going to take more than just a stupid love song to win me over. Then factor in the utterly unsurprising lyrics and arrangements and you find yourself wondering just why this is considered a mein of Britpop voices. Because nobody ever wondered what it sounded like unfiltered? C

>>418324
Wait a minute, Phil Collins sucks ass!
Yeah, what were we thinking?

>>418324
At least 50% of Phil Collins hate came from South Park.

>>418327
Christgau hated him before it was cool.

>>418324
SHUT YOUR FILTHY HOLE

Behind The Sun [Duck, 1985]
Eric Clapton and Phil Collins are two individuals who can count themselves as survivors (Collins and how). Clapton has never been the mediocre singer he's wont to declare himself in retiring moments but his gift only made sense when laid-back was commercial and here he's not retiring, he's looking for work. For a variety of reasons, including current fashion, Collins mixes the drums very high and then induces Clapton to, um, project. Painful and bad. C-

Robert Christgau [Village Voice, 1969]
Moronic. D

The Red Hot Chili Peppers [EMI America, 1984]
As minstrelsy goes this is as good as it gets (and minstrelsy it had better be). The reason why it doesn't quite come off as good-natured can be found in this mysterious observation from spokesperson Flea--"Kurtis Blow and Grandmaster Flash have great raps but not the great music to go along with." Coming from a bassist, that's some serious delusion. B-

>>418333
>The album is p. good but one of the band members said something I don't like so it's bad.
Cuckgau in a nutshell.

>>418318
SY suck dick though.

>>418335
Also true of RHCP.

New Jersey [Mercury, 1988]
I must say I admire Jon Jon's transparently pseudo-Springsteenian bid to improve both his platinum count and his artistic reputation at the same time. You could do one of three things. You could sit back and enjoy its giant hooks, identifying with the masses all the while. You could learn to love "Livin' on a Prayer" as I did during nonstop rotation at a community pool. Or you could lose your lunch. Now pass the barf bag this way. C

Trout Mask Replica [Straight, 1969]
I find it impossible to give this record an A because it is just too weird. But I'd like to. Very great played at high volume when you're feeling shitty, because you'll never feel as shitty as this record. B+

After Laughter [Fueled By Ramen, 2017]
pseudo-pop from faux-punk people ("Hard Times", "Caught In The Middle") *

Led Zeppelin II [Atlantic, 1969]
The best of the wah-wah mannerist groups, so dirty they drool on demand. It's true that all the songs sound the same but nobody ever held that against Little Richard. Then again, Robert Plant isn't Little Richard. B

>>418337
Nobody ever said hair metal was intelligent. You had REM and U2 back then if you wanted "serious" rock with a message.

Skin Tight [Mercury, 1974]
Alternate title: Shoogity-Boogity. B

Three Dollar Bill, Y'all [Interscope, 1997] *bomb*

>>418349
Accurate.

Osmonds [MGM, 1970]
The most heartwarming thing to happen to the wonderful world of pop music since Georgia Gibbs recorded "Dance With Me, Henry." Mike Curb strikes again. C